CLARK GABLE
The next day, Bessie didn't think she could get out of the house fast enough. She wasn't sure what excited her more: seeing Zac or finding out what he heard from Taylor.
The clouds in the sky threatened rain and, though she knew it was silly, she convinced herself that if she willed it away enough, that the rain would never come. She spent the time getting ready counting each minute that it didn't rain because if it rained, that meant that she wouldn't get to see Zac, and not seeing Zac was becoming less and less of an option.
She met her mother downstairs, who was busying herself by putting together a pie for that night's dessert, when her mother stopped what she was doing and wiped her hands on her apron. "Got a date today?" She asked curiously.
"Um, I'm not sure if you'd call it a date..." Bessie replied meekly.
"Oh, come, now, any time you're meeting a man, it's a date."
Bessie blushed, the smile creeping across her face. "Well. I guess so, then." Then the smile faded from her face as she frowned at her mother. "Mama. I don't want Daddy to be angry with you for--you know, for supporting my relationship with Zac. I just--I mean, I feel bad that he's upset but I'm not--I'm not sorry for it. Does that make sense?"
Her mother sighed and pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and invited her daughter to sit down. "Sweetheart, you can't agree on everything--even when you're married. You just can't. And, so, maybe we don't agree on this. I understand his position on the subject--and I respect his position on the subject--but I don't have to agree with it."
"But you're supposed to support each other, right?"
"Of course, always. But you also have to be your own person and if you believe strongly that your significant other is being pig-headed, you don't have to stand for it. But if you want to know the truth, Bessie, I don't think your father is quite as against it as he's letting on. Sure, he wants Zac to be stable and he wants him to have a future he can strive for, but I can assure you that he doesn't think that Zac is a bad person. At all. He knows he's a good man. The problem your father has with Zac is purely financial. He's afraid that you're going to marry him and be poor for the rest of your life. That's it. That is really just it."
Bessie's eyes darted around in thought for a moment. "Well--well, I mean, what if it does reach that point? What if that does happen? I don't care if Zac is poor, I know that he would do right by me if he actually put thought into trying to marry me. He wouldn't just--he wouldn't just let both of our futures hang out in limbo like that."
"Have you talked about this?" Her mother asked curiously.
"No. I just--I know him. And--and anyway, we've only barely just kissed, so--"
Her mother smiled and Bessie noticed the twinkle in her eye. "He kissed you? When? Why didn't you say anything?"
"Oh, so much has happened since then, with Daddy and Millie and--"
"I don't care about Millie, tell me about this kiss!"
Bessie bit her lip and she grinned shyly, the blood rising to her cheeks again. "He kissed me at the social--before he punched Billy, that is."
"Well? How was it?"
"Mother!"
"Oh, Bessie, please. My daughter had her first kiss, I should have been the first person you told! I'm excited! So, tell me."
"It was--it was nice..."
"Is he a good kisser?"
"I think so..."
Then her mother raised an eyebrow. "Is that all you've done?"
"What?"
"Have you...done anything else besides kiss him?"
"Mother!" She scolded again.
"I just need to know if you and I need to...talk...again..."
"No. We haven't done anything else. At all. I promise."
A smile crept across her mother's face as she stood from the table. "Well, then. I believe you. In the meantime, I think you and I should go shopping for undergarments."
As she went back to the counter and continued with her pie-making, Bessie was as confused as ever. "What does--how did we suddenly start talking about undergarments?"
"Well, you're going off to school anyway, dear, naturally you're going to need new undergarments among other things." Then she turned around and grinned at her daughter slyly. "You know, my first time wasn't with your father."
Bessie's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I don't think I should be hearing this..."
"You're an adult now, it's okay if you know these things. You know, the proper thing is to wait until marriage. But...not everything has to wait until marriage, dear. You don't want to marry someone who can't please you."
"Mother..."
"The correct undergarments are important. And it's better that I take you than...well, than Millie. I love your cousin dearly, but the truth is, she's a bit of a tart."
The shock wouldn't leave the girl. She continued to gape at her mother. "How do you--?"
"I see everything, sweetheart, you can't get much past me. Anyway, that's all I'll say on the subject. It looks like rain today. I don't know where the two of you are always running off to, but you can take him to the empty barn if a storm comes up. Just keep a watch on the time."
Bessie stood in the middle of the kitchen for a moment, taking in the conversation she had just had with her mother. How was she even married to someone as stubborn as her father? Why couldn't her father be more like her? As much as Bessie wanted to prod at her mother for more information, she knew Zac would be waiting for her at the edge of the woods any minute now and she really did want to try to avoid the rain.
"I love you, Mama," she said, wrapping her mother in an appreciative hug from behind. "Thank you so much."
"I love you, too, sweetheart," she said warmly as she turned around to face her. Then she popped her behind with the towel that was in her hand. "Now, go! Shoo! Don't make me shove you into his arms."
Giggling, Bessie tossed a few pieces of fruit into a sack and ran out the door.
*************
Sure enough, Zac was standing against a tree at the edge of the woods, waiting for Bessie. He was such a sight for sore eyes, even from so far away. As she neared closer to him, her walk so fast she was nearly running, a grin spread across her face at the sight of him. Today he wore brown trousers with a white, short-sleeved button-down tucked into it. His sleeves were rolled up above his elbows and he wore his ponytail tucked up under his cap. She liked the fact that she could see his tanned, strong arms. But she would never let him know that.
The moment she reached his beautiful smile, she longed to kiss him, but thunder rolled overhead and she counted two raindrops on her own bare arms. "Looks like rain," he said, amused.
"Come on," she said, grabbing his hand. "We have to hurry."
Running, hand-in-hand, Bessie led Zac to the empty barn. They had two barns because, at one time, they had a farm full of animals. The one barn that was still in use, that sat a ways down alongside the empty one, still housed two horses and a cow that had apparently been left inside today because her father had anticipated the rain. Bessie hated it when the animals had to be boarded up, but she'd have hated for them to be rained on, either.
The empty barn used to belong to the pigs and more cows. Both barns were large with several stalls apiece. Now it only housed hay, animal food, and various bits of farm equipment. In the middle of the barn sat a pile of hay that Bessie frequently nested herself into to read a book or nap or to just lay there and think. A time or two she even had sleepovers with Millie and Judith in the barn, laying their bedding over the hay and talking about things that Bessie wouldn't dare talk about with her parents in the bedroom right down the hall.
By the time Bessie had feverishly unlocked the barn door and heaved the heavy door open, the thunder cracked loudly overhead and the rain poured from the heavens at the very second that both of their heads had made it into the shelter of the barn's doorway. Leaving the door open as the thunder cracked loudly again, Zac's eyes widened as he looked at Bessie. "Wow. We would have never made it to our tree."
Without a word, she let her urges take her over and, dropping the light sack of fruit by her side, she pulled him close to her by his shirt collar and kissed him eagerly. She couldn't help herself, she had missed him so much since yesterday and with her fight with Millie weighing so heavily on her shoulders, she needed him. Taking his face in her hands, she kissed him deeper, seemingly unable to get enough of him and he responded with a surprised, "Mmm," into her mouth as he held her tighter against him.
Finally breaking their kiss, he pulled his head away and smiled down at her with an amused twinkle in his eye. "You should greet me like that more often."
"I'm sorry," she said, the blood rising to her cheeks. "I didn't mean to be so forward. I just...couldn't help myself."
"It's okay," he said warmly. "Don't be afraid to do what you feel. I belong to you, you can kiss me any time, any way you want to. Actually, you can do whatever you want to me, I'm not going to mind."
Bessie giggled as her face grew hot and she finally mustered up the courage to look up into his glittering brown eyes again. "Thank you. I needed that laugh," she said softly. "I...I need any distraction I can get."
"I know. I, uh, I talked to Tay last night. And, um...I talked to Millie."
Shock washed over her body all of a sudden. "You talked to Millie?"
"Yeah. You wanna sit down?"
Leading him to the pile of hay in the middle of the barn, she tucked her dress over her knees and tucked her legs underneath her. Zac sat next to her and stretched himself out on his side beside her, resting his elbow in the hay and looking up at her. "I can't remember the last time I found myself in a pile of hay," he smiled.
"I like it in here," she replied. "It's quiet and I like the way it smells." Then she glanced at the open barn door at the rain that came down in loud torrents and she smiled at Zac. "Well...normally it's quiet."
"You look beautiful today," he said, still smiling at her.
Bessie blushed again and she giggled. "Zac...I don't...I don't look any different than I normally do..."
"You look every bit as beautiful as you did the day I laid eyes on you." Then he sighed and collapsed on his back and stared up at the barn rafters. "Man. I remember it like it was yesterday."
"Well it wasn't really that long ago..."
"We were getting ready for our act to start. I was surveying the crowd, contemplating the money we might bring in. And then my eyes landed on you and it was like--I could feel my life change. You were such a vision, the way the sun glistened off of your hair, the way you looked when you laughed--I couldn't hear you, but your laugh brightened my life in that moment much more than any sunbeam could have. Your dress was beautiful and you wore it so well. So classy and so graceful. I knew in that very moment that you belonged to me. It was like God put us there at exactly the same time just to say to me, 'Here, Zac. This is for you. Just for you.' Just...out of the blue."
"Zac," she smiled. "That's just--"
"Didn't you feel it, too? When you looked at me? I saw you look at me, I waved at you."
"Yes," she nodded. "I was--I was so surprised, I wasn't even sure you were waving at me. But I remember my heart skipping a beat when I saw you watching. And then I got scared. And I felt bad that I didn't wave back but I did turn around again and then you were gone. I wasn't trying to be rude."
"I know. I realize I caught you off guard, it's okay."
The she giggled. "I didn't even realize it was you the whole time you were onstage until you took off your jacket."
The grin spread across his face in complete amusement. "So...the only way you recognized me was when I was removing my clothing?"
"Zac!" She scolded. "Don't be fresh!"
He reached over and slid his arm around her waist, pulling her body down on top of his. "Oh, you haven't even seen fresh, yet, sweetheart."
The two of them laughed as Bessie placed a couple of small kisses on his lips, and then she peeled herself off of him and sat up again, her face growing serious. "So tell me about Millie."
Sitting back up on his elbow, he picked at a straw of hay as he looked up at her. "I talked to both of them. Basically all Tay did was tell her that he spoke to you and she jumped to her own conclusions. He says he's real sorry that you even got involved."
"And Millie?"
"I found her downtown. I figured she might be at the speakeasy and I was right, except I found her outside. She--I don't know, I think she feels like she's the black sheep of your family?"
"Well--well, that's not true, everyone loves Millie--"
"Some parts of this isn't really my business to tell, but the important thing is, I think I talked her off the ledge. If she doesn't come to you in the next few days, I'll be surprised."
Bessie's heart wanted to flip with joy, but she didn't want to celebrate too soon. "So...are you saying that she's not really mad at me?"
"I'm saying she's doing some thinking. That's all."
She looked at him, her heart melting in appreciation for him. "You're so incredible," she whispered.
He gave her a half smile of modesty as he focused his attention on the straw of hay he was picking at. "I don't know about that, I just...you know...want you to be happy, that's all."
"But you are incredible. You are the--the most wonderful man--"
"Well now you're just stroking my ego," he grinned.
"Thank you," she smiled. "Thank you so much for...for just being you."
He didn't answer, he just smiled, and she looked at him in thought. How could she ever repay him?
She looked him over again in thought and then she smiled. "Hey," she said. "How about if I take you on a date?"
He furrowed his brow and smiled at her as he looked up at her. "What? Don't talk crazy, Bessie, women don't...you know...do that."
"So? You've just--you've been so kind to me that I want to do something for you and--"
"Sweetheart, if you want to do something special for me, I can name about half a dozen things that don't include any kind of going out..."
"Zac!" She gasped.
His eyes widened at her scolding and the blood drained from his face. "Ah, shit, baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Sometimes I...well, I open my mouth before I think about it, just--just forget I even said it. Okay? I'm sorry."
Her eyes darted around uncomfortably at the hay around them as the rain continued to pound the roof overhead. The truth was, she wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with him, but with herself, because the comment nearly...well, it almost flattered her. And that made her feel ashamed of herself.
"Bessie," he said quietly, sitting up and taking her by the hand. "I really am sorry. Please forgive me."
She opened her mouth to speak and then she closed it again as she stared at him. He looked so dreamy with his short sleeves rolled up and the shirt unbuttoned enough to where his chest peeked out and the skin of his neck was already enough to entice her. He'd said she could do whatever she wanted...
Scooting closer to him, she took his cap off of his head and she kissed him, a sigh escaping into his mouth as she allowed him to pull her into his lap. Instead of thinking about it, she let her body completely take over and she allowed her urges to lead the way. Dropping her hands, she unbuttoned his shirt as her lips left his and trailed along his jaw and down his neck. She heard him sigh as she felt his palm against her back, pressing her closer to him. His sighs of pleasure as she left open-mouthed kisses on his neck made chills run through her body that she was powerless to ignore. Once she'd unbuttoned his shirt, she began to peel it off of his shoulders feverishly, revealing the white tank top he wore underneath.
He hadn't even gotten one arm out of it yet before she was already trying to get her hands under his tank top and she was surprised when she felt resistance on his end and was even more surprised when he started to push her away. "Bessie," he whispered. "Bessie, stop. You have to stop."
Confused and a little embarrassed, she looked at him, her eyes wide with question. "Stop? Why?'
"Because," he started, searching her eyes madly. "Because--because it felt good. Too good. And if I let you keep going, I'm only going to want more. And I don't think you're ready for that, yet."
She folded her hands in her lap and her face fell in frustration. "Zac, I just--I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong. One minute you're telling me to do what I feel and the next you're pushing me away. And then part of me wants to do all these things with you and the other part is telling me it's wrong and--and it's all just so frustrating and confusing." She looked up at him, helpless. "I just never thought any of this was supposed to be this difficult."
"Well..." he replied in thought. "Bess, making love is--it is kind of a big deal. Especially your first time--"
"I wasn't trying to do that--"
"I know. But it has to start somewhere. And it's getting to the point with me, lately, where I'm afraid that if I get started, I won't stop--because I want you that much. I really do. But I don't want your first time to be on some random whim you're going to regret. I want you to--to have the option to wait until marriage. You know?"
"What if I don't want to wait until marriage?"
"Then that's completely up to you, but I still think the time should be right."
"So you're saying that we can't...do anything? I can't even touch your skin or--"
"No. God, no, I'm not saying that. I just want you to know that we men have our limits just like you women do. That if I ever tell you to stop, there's nothing wrong with you or anything you're doing. Okay? It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'm so embarrassed," she whispered, now unable to look at him. "I shouldn't have behaved that way." Then she scoffed. "My mother just got through calling Millie a tart and here I go--"
"Don't finish that sentence," Zac said firmly. "I told you, you had nothing to be ashamed of. You're nothing like Millie, not even close."
"Do you think Millie's a tart?"
Zac looked up at her, studying her face hard, and then he sighed. "Bessie--society nowadays has this...standard. It always has, I guess. I've been all over the country, I've seen every culture and every social standard and what they all seem to have in common is that different things are expected--and accepted--of men and women. If a man...you know, has his fun with lots of women, then he's just a playboy and nobody really thinks anything of it. If a woman does that, well...she's a tart. It's kind of unfair--men and women have the same natural urges, it should be their right to see to them as they please. But society doesn't see it that way. It ain't proper for a woman to bounce from man to man like Millie does. But in my personal opinion, I think your cousin is ahead of her time. I see nothing wrong with her wanting to have a little fun. I might disagree with some of her actions on a personal level, but I can't say I'd label her as a tart because, well...then that would make me a hypocrite. And I like to think that men and women are equal on some levels."
Bessie looked at him in thought, glad that he didn't think too negatively of her cousin. But something else he'd said had now piqued her interest and she no longer cared to talk about Millie. "Zac...have you...had your fun with lots of women?"
He searched her eyes for a moment and then she saw the guilt wash over his face as he picked at a new straw of hay. "I've, um, I've been around, yeah."
Suddenly, she felt completely insecure. What was he even doing with her? She couldn't do any of the things he was apparently used to--she could barely even kiss him. She could never live up to any of the experience he was used to. Now she was glad he had stopped her, because there was no way she could have possibly pleased him.
"How many?" She whispered.
"I...don't really know," he muttered.
She didn't know what to say now. She didn't know how to feel. She knew that she felt a pang of jealousy that she'd never felt before. She was jealous of all of them. Voices she'd never heard, faces she'd never seen, names she would never know. All of them had had Zac. All of them had been familiar with him. He'd been attracted to them, wanted them--and here she sat, a silly, inexperienced little virgin. Who was she kidding? She could never live up to any of those other women.
She hugged her arms to herself and she glanced around at the hay pile they sat on. "I think I want to wait until I'm married," she said quietly. "I think that would be best."
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Zac didn't even have to look at Bessie's face--her voice said it all. He had never even wanted this subject to come up, but he supposed it had to eventually. He'd never really felt ashamed of the things he'd done until this moment. He'd never looked back, never regretted anything, wouldn't have changed a thing about anything.
Until Bessie came along.
Now she was uncomfortable. She had only just begun to come out of her shell, only to put herself right back in it. And then she went from not wanting to wait until marriage to suddenly making the decision to, and he knew it was his fault. And he felt ashamed that part of him was disappointed, because there was no guarantee that he would ever be the man she would marry. As a matter of fact, he was almost certain that he wouldn't be.
"Bessie," he said gently as he now looked up at the hurt in her eyes. His heart shattered and sank into his stomach. He reached out and took her hand and brought it to his lips. "Bessie, look at me."
"I can't," she whispered. "I'm too ashamed."
He narrowed his eyes at her in confusion and tugged at her hand. "Ashamed of what?"
"Of myself. Of--of being so...stupid. Of thinking that I could--it just--it doesn't even matter now."
"Don't persecute me for my past," he said quietly. "I can't change it."
"I know. But I can't...I can't give you the things you need...I can't...do for you what...I just can't. And who was I to ever think that I could?"
"But you are what I need. Don't you understand that? I know you, I know...you, I know everything. If I was in this to get my kicks, I wouldn't be here right now. Whether you're...you know, experienced or not doesn't even factor in for me. I want you, Bessie. Since the moment I laid eyes on you, it's just been you. And everything that comes with you. And so what if you won't let a four-letter word slip or if the idea of me telling you you're beautiful is all it takes to make you blush? I love those things about you. And--and if you want to wait until marriage, that's okay. And...and, you know, on down the road if it turns out that it's not me that you marry, then that's okay, too. I'm going to cherish every single moment with you, regardless of whether we...do anything or not. You gotta believe me, sweetheart, I only just want you--however I can get you."
"I shouldn't have even asked," she said. "It was none of my business."
"It was every bit your business, it's your business to know everything there is to know about me. I have nothing to hide from you."
"I just--I feel like now every time I kiss you or--or even hold your hand--I'm going to be wondering which one of them was the best. Who did it better than me, who are you thinking of when--?"
"You're the best. You're better than all of them, Bess, I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about you. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, but you gotta understand, I used to travel the country. We were three bachelors with a lot of money and nobody to tell us no. But not anymore. I've found my one. I've found my one person that I want to spend all of my days and my nights with, never to look back. And she's sitting right here in front of me and she makes me so happy. You should meet her, she's pretty amazing."
Miraculously, he watched a smile creep across Bessie's face. Then she bit her lip and the blood rose to her cheeks. "I guess those floozies ain't got nothing on me, huh?"
At this, Zac roared with laughter as he leaned over and grabbed her and rolled her over onto her back. "You're damn right, they don't."
She giggled at the shock and wrapped her arms around his neck, his heart feeling a little better at the sight of her smile. He pressed his lips to hers, leaving short, sweet kisses on her as he smiled through them. "Does this mean you don't hate me?" He asked her.
"Oh, Zac, I could never hate you," she replied, shaking her head earnestly. "I just don't want you to end up disappointed in me."
"You couldn't disappoint me if you tried. Everything about you excites me."
"Everything?" She tested him.
"Everything," he smiled.
"How about going with me to a talking picture? Does that excite you?"
Except that. Talking pictures. She wanted him to go with her to see a talking picture. Did she really forget about his resentment toward--?
"But we don't have to go," she said, interrupting his thoughts. "I mean, I know how you feel about them..."
But it was too late. He had already seen the twinkle in her eye when she'd suggested it and he could tell this was something she really wanted to do. Powerless as he always was, he reluctantly agreed. "Well, I admit, it's been awhile since I've looked at one. If, uh, if that's what you want to do, then...then we'll go look at a talking picture."
An excited grin crossed her face. "Really? You'd go with me? Because they're showing my favorite film for free downtown this Thursday night and--well, since Millie and I aren't speaking..."
"Oh," Zac teased. "Millie's not available so I'm your last resort."
"No, I don't mean that at all, I just--well, Millie and I went together to see it so many times last year when it first came out and--well, we just thought Clark Gable was so dreamy..."
He looked down at his best girl as she lay on the hay underneath him and he furrowed his brow. "Clark Gable, huh? And here I thought you liked guys with long hair."
"Oh, I do," she nodded with a smile.
"Uh-huh. Well I'm not going to a picture with you to watch you go gaga over Clark Gable."
"I'm not gonna go gaga over Clark Gable," she replied, shaking her head. "Not so long as you're there."
"Really?" He smiled. Then he reached around and pulled the tie out of his hair, shaking it loose around his face. "You like me better than Clark Gable?"
"Yes, absolutely. I like you much better than Clark Gable."
"You know, I met Clark Gable once," he said as he brushed a strand of hair off of her shoulder. "Before he became famous."
"You did?" She said, her star-struck eyes widening. "What's he like?"
"He's a chump," Zac replied dryly.
Bessie frowned instantly. "Maybe you just didn't get along. Maybe he thinks you're a chump, too."
Zac smiled, amused and nearly shocked. "Are you seriously taking Clark Gable's side over mine?"
"Well...I wasn't there..."
"I'm just joshing you, I never met Clark Gable."
Bessie's eyes widened and she laughed. "Zac!" She scolded as she lightly hit him on the arm. "That's so rude of you, why would you say that?"
Laughing, he lowered his head and let his nose brush hers. "Maybe now I'm jealous. Maybe I don't like the fact that I'm not the first man who ever got your attention."
"Maybe now we're even," she retorted.
"Well done, Beatrice. Well done."
With that, the thunder rolled further in the distance as she reached up and ran her fingers through his now-loose hair, pulling his head close to hers, and kissing him with a passion that felt new and refreshing.
For Zac, today had been eventful and informative. He may or may not have the opportunity to take Bessie's virginity, his past indiscretions finally came to light, he agreed to see a talking picture with her, which had been the bane of his existence for so long...but most importantly, he never once flinched at the storm that had once upon a time rattled his bones to the core.
With Bessie, he was becoming a new man already. His insecurities were fleeting, his fears were disintegrating, and his emotions were at brand new heights. As he looked into the eyes of the woman underneath him, hazel easily becoming his favorite color, he decided that Clark Gable didn't have shit on Zac Hanson. Because Clark Gable didn't have a Bessie Harlow.
The next day, Bessie didn't think she could get out of the house fast enough. She wasn't sure what excited her more: seeing Zac or finding out what he heard from Taylor.
The clouds in the sky threatened rain and, though she knew it was silly, she convinced herself that if she willed it away enough, that the rain would never come. She spent the time getting ready counting each minute that it didn't rain because if it rained, that meant that she wouldn't get to see Zac, and not seeing Zac was becoming less and less of an option.
She met her mother downstairs, who was busying herself by putting together a pie for that night's dessert, when her mother stopped what she was doing and wiped her hands on her apron. "Got a date today?" She asked curiously.
"Um, I'm not sure if you'd call it a date..." Bessie replied meekly.
"Oh, come, now, any time you're meeting a man, it's a date."
Bessie blushed, the smile creeping across her face. "Well. I guess so, then." Then the smile faded from her face as she frowned at her mother. "Mama. I don't want Daddy to be angry with you for--you know, for supporting my relationship with Zac. I just--I mean, I feel bad that he's upset but I'm not--I'm not sorry for it. Does that make sense?"
Her mother sighed and pulled out a chair at the kitchen table and invited her daughter to sit down. "Sweetheart, you can't agree on everything--even when you're married. You just can't. And, so, maybe we don't agree on this. I understand his position on the subject--and I respect his position on the subject--but I don't have to agree with it."
"But you're supposed to support each other, right?"
"Of course, always. But you also have to be your own person and if you believe strongly that your significant other is being pig-headed, you don't have to stand for it. But if you want to know the truth, Bessie, I don't think your father is quite as against it as he's letting on. Sure, he wants Zac to be stable and he wants him to have a future he can strive for, but I can assure you that he doesn't think that Zac is a bad person. At all. He knows he's a good man. The problem your father has with Zac is purely financial. He's afraid that you're going to marry him and be poor for the rest of your life. That's it. That is really just it."
Bessie's eyes darted around in thought for a moment. "Well--well, I mean, what if it does reach that point? What if that does happen? I don't care if Zac is poor, I know that he would do right by me if he actually put thought into trying to marry me. He wouldn't just--he wouldn't just let both of our futures hang out in limbo like that."
"Have you talked about this?" Her mother asked curiously.
"No. I just--I know him. And--and anyway, we've only barely just kissed, so--"
Her mother smiled and Bessie noticed the twinkle in her eye. "He kissed you? When? Why didn't you say anything?"
"Oh, so much has happened since then, with Daddy and Millie and--"
"I don't care about Millie, tell me about this kiss!"
Bessie bit her lip and she grinned shyly, the blood rising to her cheeks again. "He kissed me at the social--before he punched Billy, that is."
"Well? How was it?"
"Mother!"
"Oh, Bessie, please. My daughter had her first kiss, I should have been the first person you told! I'm excited! So, tell me."
"It was--it was nice..."
"Is he a good kisser?"
"I think so..."
Then her mother raised an eyebrow. "Is that all you've done?"
"What?"
"Have you...done anything else besides kiss him?"
"Mother!" She scolded again.
"I just need to know if you and I need to...talk...again..."
"No. We haven't done anything else. At all. I promise."
A smile crept across her mother's face as she stood from the table. "Well, then. I believe you. In the meantime, I think you and I should go shopping for undergarments."
As she went back to the counter and continued with her pie-making, Bessie was as confused as ever. "What does--how did we suddenly start talking about undergarments?"
"Well, you're going off to school anyway, dear, naturally you're going to need new undergarments among other things." Then she turned around and grinned at her daughter slyly. "You know, my first time wasn't with your father."
Bessie's eyes widened and her jaw dropped. "I don't think I should be hearing this..."
"You're an adult now, it's okay if you know these things. You know, the proper thing is to wait until marriage. But...not everything has to wait until marriage, dear. You don't want to marry someone who can't please you."
"Mother..."
"The correct undergarments are important. And it's better that I take you than...well, than Millie. I love your cousin dearly, but the truth is, she's a bit of a tart."
The shock wouldn't leave the girl. She continued to gape at her mother. "How do you--?"
"I see everything, sweetheart, you can't get much past me. Anyway, that's all I'll say on the subject. It looks like rain today. I don't know where the two of you are always running off to, but you can take him to the empty barn if a storm comes up. Just keep a watch on the time."
Bessie stood in the middle of the kitchen for a moment, taking in the conversation she had just had with her mother. How was she even married to someone as stubborn as her father? Why couldn't her father be more like her? As much as Bessie wanted to prod at her mother for more information, she knew Zac would be waiting for her at the edge of the woods any minute now and she really did want to try to avoid the rain.
"I love you, Mama," she said, wrapping her mother in an appreciative hug from behind. "Thank you so much."
"I love you, too, sweetheart," she said warmly as she turned around to face her. Then she popped her behind with the towel that was in her hand. "Now, go! Shoo! Don't make me shove you into his arms."
Giggling, Bessie tossed a few pieces of fruit into a sack and ran out the door.
*************
Sure enough, Zac was standing against a tree at the edge of the woods, waiting for Bessie. He was such a sight for sore eyes, even from so far away. As she neared closer to him, her walk so fast she was nearly running, a grin spread across her face at the sight of him. Today he wore brown trousers with a white, short-sleeved button-down tucked into it. His sleeves were rolled up above his elbows and he wore his ponytail tucked up under his cap. She liked the fact that she could see his tanned, strong arms. But she would never let him know that.
The moment she reached his beautiful smile, she longed to kiss him, but thunder rolled overhead and she counted two raindrops on her own bare arms. "Looks like rain," he said, amused.
"Come on," she said, grabbing his hand. "We have to hurry."
Running, hand-in-hand, Bessie led Zac to the empty barn. They had two barns because, at one time, they had a farm full of animals. The one barn that was still in use, that sat a ways down alongside the empty one, still housed two horses and a cow that had apparently been left inside today because her father had anticipated the rain. Bessie hated it when the animals had to be boarded up, but she'd have hated for them to be rained on, either.
The empty barn used to belong to the pigs and more cows. Both barns were large with several stalls apiece. Now it only housed hay, animal food, and various bits of farm equipment. In the middle of the barn sat a pile of hay that Bessie frequently nested herself into to read a book or nap or to just lay there and think. A time or two she even had sleepovers with Millie and Judith in the barn, laying their bedding over the hay and talking about things that Bessie wouldn't dare talk about with her parents in the bedroom right down the hall.
By the time Bessie had feverishly unlocked the barn door and heaved the heavy door open, the thunder cracked loudly overhead and the rain poured from the heavens at the very second that both of their heads had made it into the shelter of the barn's doorway. Leaving the door open as the thunder cracked loudly again, Zac's eyes widened as he looked at Bessie. "Wow. We would have never made it to our tree."
Without a word, she let her urges take her over and, dropping the light sack of fruit by her side, she pulled him close to her by his shirt collar and kissed him eagerly. She couldn't help herself, she had missed him so much since yesterday and with her fight with Millie weighing so heavily on her shoulders, she needed him. Taking his face in her hands, she kissed him deeper, seemingly unable to get enough of him and he responded with a surprised, "Mmm," into her mouth as he held her tighter against him.
Finally breaking their kiss, he pulled his head away and smiled down at her with an amused twinkle in his eye. "You should greet me like that more often."
"I'm sorry," she said, the blood rising to her cheeks. "I didn't mean to be so forward. I just...couldn't help myself."
"It's okay," he said warmly. "Don't be afraid to do what you feel. I belong to you, you can kiss me any time, any way you want to. Actually, you can do whatever you want to me, I'm not going to mind."
Bessie giggled as her face grew hot and she finally mustered up the courage to look up into his glittering brown eyes again. "Thank you. I needed that laugh," she said softly. "I...I need any distraction I can get."
"I know. I, uh, I talked to Tay last night. And, um...I talked to Millie."
Shock washed over her body all of a sudden. "You talked to Millie?"
"Yeah. You wanna sit down?"
Leading him to the pile of hay in the middle of the barn, she tucked her dress over her knees and tucked her legs underneath her. Zac sat next to her and stretched himself out on his side beside her, resting his elbow in the hay and looking up at her. "I can't remember the last time I found myself in a pile of hay," he smiled.
"I like it in here," she replied. "It's quiet and I like the way it smells." Then she glanced at the open barn door at the rain that came down in loud torrents and she smiled at Zac. "Well...normally it's quiet."
"You look beautiful today," he said, still smiling at her.
Bessie blushed again and she giggled. "Zac...I don't...I don't look any different than I normally do..."
"You look every bit as beautiful as you did the day I laid eyes on you." Then he sighed and collapsed on his back and stared up at the barn rafters. "Man. I remember it like it was yesterday."
"Well it wasn't really that long ago..."
"We were getting ready for our act to start. I was surveying the crowd, contemplating the money we might bring in. And then my eyes landed on you and it was like--I could feel my life change. You were such a vision, the way the sun glistened off of your hair, the way you looked when you laughed--I couldn't hear you, but your laugh brightened my life in that moment much more than any sunbeam could have. Your dress was beautiful and you wore it so well. So classy and so graceful. I knew in that very moment that you belonged to me. It was like God put us there at exactly the same time just to say to me, 'Here, Zac. This is for you. Just for you.' Just...out of the blue."
"Zac," she smiled. "That's just--"
"Didn't you feel it, too? When you looked at me? I saw you look at me, I waved at you."
"Yes," she nodded. "I was--I was so surprised, I wasn't even sure you were waving at me. But I remember my heart skipping a beat when I saw you watching. And then I got scared. And I felt bad that I didn't wave back but I did turn around again and then you were gone. I wasn't trying to be rude."
"I know. I realize I caught you off guard, it's okay."
The she giggled. "I didn't even realize it was you the whole time you were onstage until you took off your jacket."
The grin spread across his face in complete amusement. "So...the only way you recognized me was when I was removing my clothing?"
"Zac!" She scolded. "Don't be fresh!"
He reached over and slid his arm around her waist, pulling her body down on top of his. "Oh, you haven't even seen fresh, yet, sweetheart."
The two of them laughed as Bessie placed a couple of small kisses on his lips, and then she peeled herself off of him and sat up again, her face growing serious. "So tell me about Millie."
Sitting back up on his elbow, he picked at a straw of hay as he looked up at her. "I talked to both of them. Basically all Tay did was tell her that he spoke to you and she jumped to her own conclusions. He says he's real sorry that you even got involved."
"And Millie?"
"I found her downtown. I figured she might be at the speakeasy and I was right, except I found her outside. She--I don't know, I think she feels like she's the black sheep of your family?"
"Well--well, that's not true, everyone loves Millie--"
"Some parts of this isn't really my business to tell, but the important thing is, I think I talked her off the ledge. If she doesn't come to you in the next few days, I'll be surprised."
Bessie's heart wanted to flip with joy, but she didn't want to celebrate too soon. "So...are you saying that she's not really mad at me?"
"I'm saying she's doing some thinking. That's all."
She looked at him, her heart melting in appreciation for him. "You're so incredible," she whispered.
He gave her a half smile of modesty as he focused his attention on the straw of hay he was picking at. "I don't know about that, I just...you know...want you to be happy, that's all."
"But you are incredible. You are the--the most wonderful man--"
"Well now you're just stroking my ego," he grinned.
"Thank you," she smiled. "Thank you so much for...for just being you."
He didn't answer, he just smiled, and she looked at him in thought. How could she ever repay him?
She looked him over again in thought and then she smiled. "Hey," she said. "How about if I take you on a date?"
He furrowed his brow and smiled at her as he looked up at her. "What? Don't talk crazy, Bessie, women don't...you know...do that."
"So? You've just--you've been so kind to me that I want to do something for you and--"
"Sweetheart, if you want to do something special for me, I can name about half a dozen things that don't include any kind of going out..."
"Zac!" She gasped.
His eyes widened at her scolding and the blood drained from his face. "Ah, shit, baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. Sometimes I...well, I open my mouth before I think about it, just--just forget I even said it. Okay? I'm sorry."
Her eyes darted around uncomfortably at the hay around them as the rain continued to pound the roof overhead. The truth was, she wasn't necessarily uncomfortable with him, but with herself, because the comment nearly...well, it almost flattered her. And that made her feel ashamed of herself.
"Bessie," he said quietly, sitting up and taking her by the hand. "I really am sorry. Please forgive me."
She opened her mouth to speak and then she closed it again as she stared at him. He looked so dreamy with his short sleeves rolled up and the shirt unbuttoned enough to where his chest peeked out and the skin of his neck was already enough to entice her. He'd said she could do whatever she wanted...
Scooting closer to him, she took his cap off of his head and she kissed him, a sigh escaping into his mouth as she allowed him to pull her into his lap. Instead of thinking about it, she let her body completely take over and she allowed her urges to lead the way. Dropping her hands, she unbuttoned his shirt as her lips left his and trailed along his jaw and down his neck. She heard him sigh as she felt his palm against her back, pressing her closer to him. His sighs of pleasure as she left open-mouthed kisses on his neck made chills run through her body that she was powerless to ignore. Once she'd unbuttoned his shirt, she began to peel it off of his shoulders feverishly, revealing the white tank top he wore underneath.
He hadn't even gotten one arm out of it yet before she was already trying to get her hands under his tank top and she was surprised when she felt resistance on his end and was even more surprised when he started to push her away. "Bessie," he whispered. "Bessie, stop. You have to stop."
Confused and a little embarrassed, she looked at him, her eyes wide with question. "Stop? Why?'
"Because," he started, searching her eyes madly. "Because--because it felt good. Too good. And if I let you keep going, I'm only going to want more. And I don't think you're ready for that, yet."
She folded her hands in her lap and her face fell in frustration. "Zac, I just--I don't know what to do. I don't know what's right and I don't know what's wrong. One minute you're telling me to do what I feel and the next you're pushing me away. And then part of me wants to do all these things with you and the other part is telling me it's wrong and--and it's all just so frustrating and confusing." She looked up at him, helpless. "I just never thought any of this was supposed to be this difficult."
"Well..." he replied in thought. "Bess, making love is--it is kind of a big deal. Especially your first time--"
"I wasn't trying to do that--"
"I know. But it has to start somewhere. And it's getting to the point with me, lately, where I'm afraid that if I get started, I won't stop--because I want you that much. I really do. But I don't want your first time to be on some random whim you're going to regret. I want you to--to have the option to wait until marriage. You know?"
"What if I don't want to wait until marriage?"
"Then that's completely up to you, but I still think the time should be right."
"So you're saying that we can't...do anything? I can't even touch your skin or--"
"No. God, no, I'm not saying that. I just want you to know that we men have our limits just like you women do. That if I ever tell you to stop, there's nothing wrong with you or anything you're doing. Okay? It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'm so embarrassed," she whispered, now unable to look at him. "I shouldn't have behaved that way." Then she scoffed. "My mother just got through calling Millie a tart and here I go--"
"Don't finish that sentence," Zac said firmly. "I told you, you had nothing to be ashamed of. You're nothing like Millie, not even close."
"Do you think Millie's a tart?"
Zac looked up at her, studying her face hard, and then he sighed. "Bessie--society nowadays has this...standard. It always has, I guess. I've been all over the country, I've seen every culture and every social standard and what they all seem to have in common is that different things are expected--and accepted--of men and women. If a man...you know, has his fun with lots of women, then he's just a playboy and nobody really thinks anything of it. If a woman does that, well...she's a tart. It's kind of unfair--men and women have the same natural urges, it should be their right to see to them as they please. But society doesn't see it that way. It ain't proper for a woman to bounce from man to man like Millie does. But in my personal opinion, I think your cousin is ahead of her time. I see nothing wrong with her wanting to have a little fun. I might disagree with some of her actions on a personal level, but I can't say I'd label her as a tart because, well...then that would make me a hypocrite. And I like to think that men and women are equal on some levels."
Bessie looked at him in thought, glad that he didn't think too negatively of her cousin. But something else he'd said had now piqued her interest and she no longer cared to talk about Millie. "Zac...have you...had your fun with lots of women?"
He searched her eyes for a moment and then she saw the guilt wash over his face as he picked at a new straw of hay. "I've, um, I've been around, yeah."
Suddenly, she felt completely insecure. What was he even doing with her? She couldn't do any of the things he was apparently used to--she could barely even kiss him. She could never live up to any of the experience he was used to. Now she was glad he had stopped her, because there was no way she could have possibly pleased him.
"How many?" She whispered.
"I...don't really know," he muttered.
She didn't know what to say now. She didn't know how to feel. She knew that she felt a pang of jealousy that she'd never felt before. She was jealous of all of them. Voices she'd never heard, faces she'd never seen, names she would never know. All of them had had Zac. All of them had been familiar with him. He'd been attracted to them, wanted them--and here she sat, a silly, inexperienced little virgin. Who was she kidding? She could never live up to any of those other women.
She hugged her arms to herself and she glanced around at the hay pile they sat on. "I think I want to wait until I'm married," she said quietly. "I think that would be best."
________________________________________________________________________________________________
Zac didn't even have to look at Bessie's face--her voice said it all. He had never even wanted this subject to come up, but he supposed it had to eventually. He'd never really felt ashamed of the things he'd done until this moment. He'd never looked back, never regretted anything, wouldn't have changed a thing about anything.
Until Bessie came along.
Now she was uncomfortable. She had only just begun to come out of her shell, only to put herself right back in it. And then she went from not wanting to wait until marriage to suddenly making the decision to, and he knew it was his fault. And he felt ashamed that part of him was disappointed, because there was no guarantee that he would ever be the man she would marry. As a matter of fact, he was almost certain that he wouldn't be.
"Bessie," he said gently as he now looked up at the hurt in her eyes. His heart shattered and sank into his stomach. He reached out and took her hand and brought it to his lips. "Bessie, look at me."
"I can't," she whispered. "I'm too ashamed."
He narrowed his eyes at her in confusion and tugged at her hand. "Ashamed of what?"
"Of myself. Of--of being so...stupid. Of thinking that I could--it just--it doesn't even matter now."
"Don't persecute me for my past," he said quietly. "I can't change it."
"I know. But I can't...I can't give you the things you need...I can't...do for you what...I just can't. And who was I to ever think that I could?"
"But you are what I need. Don't you understand that? I know you, I know...you, I know everything. If I was in this to get my kicks, I wouldn't be here right now. Whether you're...you know, experienced or not doesn't even factor in for me. I want you, Bessie. Since the moment I laid eyes on you, it's just been you. And everything that comes with you. And so what if you won't let a four-letter word slip or if the idea of me telling you you're beautiful is all it takes to make you blush? I love those things about you. And--and if you want to wait until marriage, that's okay. And...and, you know, on down the road if it turns out that it's not me that you marry, then that's okay, too. I'm going to cherish every single moment with you, regardless of whether we...do anything or not. You gotta believe me, sweetheart, I only just want you--however I can get you."
"I shouldn't have even asked," she said. "It was none of my business."
"It was every bit your business, it's your business to know everything there is to know about me. I have nothing to hide from you."
"I just--I feel like now every time I kiss you or--or even hold your hand--I'm going to be wondering which one of them was the best. Who did it better than me, who are you thinking of when--?"
"You're the best. You're better than all of them, Bess, I've never felt for anyone the way I feel about you. I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, but you gotta understand, I used to travel the country. We were three bachelors with a lot of money and nobody to tell us no. But not anymore. I've found my one. I've found my one person that I want to spend all of my days and my nights with, never to look back. And she's sitting right here in front of me and she makes me so happy. You should meet her, she's pretty amazing."
Miraculously, he watched a smile creep across Bessie's face. Then she bit her lip and the blood rose to her cheeks. "I guess those floozies ain't got nothing on me, huh?"
At this, Zac roared with laughter as he leaned over and grabbed her and rolled her over onto her back. "You're damn right, they don't."
She giggled at the shock and wrapped her arms around his neck, his heart feeling a little better at the sight of her smile. He pressed his lips to hers, leaving short, sweet kisses on her as he smiled through them. "Does this mean you don't hate me?" He asked her.
"Oh, Zac, I could never hate you," she replied, shaking her head earnestly. "I just don't want you to end up disappointed in me."
"You couldn't disappoint me if you tried. Everything about you excites me."
"Everything?" She tested him.
"Everything," he smiled.
"How about going with me to a talking picture? Does that excite you?"
Except that. Talking pictures. She wanted him to go with her to see a talking picture. Did she really forget about his resentment toward--?
"But we don't have to go," she said, interrupting his thoughts. "I mean, I know how you feel about them..."
But it was too late. He had already seen the twinkle in her eye when she'd suggested it and he could tell this was something she really wanted to do. Powerless as he always was, he reluctantly agreed. "Well, I admit, it's been awhile since I've looked at one. If, uh, if that's what you want to do, then...then we'll go look at a talking picture."
An excited grin crossed her face. "Really? You'd go with me? Because they're showing my favorite film for free downtown this Thursday night and--well, since Millie and I aren't speaking..."
"Oh," Zac teased. "Millie's not available so I'm your last resort."
"No, I don't mean that at all, I just--well, Millie and I went together to see it so many times last year when it first came out and--well, we just thought Clark Gable was so dreamy..."
He looked down at his best girl as she lay on the hay underneath him and he furrowed his brow. "Clark Gable, huh? And here I thought you liked guys with long hair."
"Oh, I do," she nodded with a smile.
"Uh-huh. Well I'm not going to a picture with you to watch you go gaga over Clark Gable."
"I'm not gonna go gaga over Clark Gable," she replied, shaking her head. "Not so long as you're there."
"Really?" He smiled. Then he reached around and pulled the tie out of his hair, shaking it loose around his face. "You like me better than Clark Gable?"
"Yes, absolutely. I like you much better than Clark Gable."
"You know, I met Clark Gable once," he said as he brushed a strand of hair off of her shoulder. "Before he became famous."
"You did?" She said, her star-struck eyes widening. "What's he like?"
"He's a chump," Zac replied dryly.
Bessie frowned instantly. "Maybe you just didn't get along. Maybe he thinks you're a chump, too."
Zac smiled, amused and nearly shocked. "Are you seriously taking Clark Gable's side over mine?"
"Well...I wasn't there..."
"I'm just joshing you, I never met Clark Gable."
Bessie's eyes widened and she laughed. "Zac!" She scolded as she lightly hit him on the arm. "That's so rude of you, why would you say that?"
Laughing, he lowered his head and let his nose brush hers. "Maybe now I'm jealous. Maybe I don't like the fact that I'm not the first man who ever got your attention."
"Maybe now we're even," she retorted.
"Well done, Beatrice. Well done."
With that, the thunder rolled further in the distance as she reached up and ran her fingers through his now-loose hair, pulling his head close to hers, and kissing him with a passion that felt new and refreshing.
For Zac, today had been eventful and informative. He may or may not have the opportunity to take Bessie's virginity, his past indiscretions finally came to light, he agreed to see a talking picture with her, which had been the bane of his existence for so long...but most importantly, he never once flinched at the storm that had once upon a time rattled his bones to the core.
With Bessie, he was becoming a new man already. His insecurities were fleeting, his fears were disintegrating, and his emotions were at brand new heights. As he looked into the eyes of the woman underneath him, hazel easily becoming his favorite color, he decided that Clark Gable didn't have shit on Zac Hanson. Because Clark Gable didn't have a Bessie Harlow.