"BECAUSE SHE WOULD ASK ME WHY I LOVED HER"
The sun was setting and the day had wiled away into late afternoon and now beginning the evening. The golden sunset had set the wildflowers aglow in silhouettes against the light as the insects bounced off of them in soft, busy bliss. It was quiet as the light breeze blew through, rustling the leaves in the tree above. Nearby birds sang, bees buzzed, and Scout's breath was audible as he panted lightly in the grass.
Bessie sat in Zac's arms under their tree, every moment spent with him happier than the last.
Breathing in a breath through her nose, she released it slowly and she smiled, closing her eyes as the breeze blew through her hair once more. "It's so beautiful here. It's no wonder you escape here so much."
"It was never this beautiful," he whispered softly into her ear. "Not until you started coming here."
"Tell me a love poem," she requested. "I haven't heard one in so long."
"Well I've only told you one," he answered, a smile in his voice.
"That was before you loved me."
"You're wrong. I loved you the moment the heavens opened up and showed you to me."
"That was beautiful," Bessie smiled, laying her head back comfortably on his shoulder. "Who wrote that?"
"I did. You inspire me."
"I love you."
"I love the way you say that."
"Tell me you love me in a poem."
Zac unwrapped his arms from around Bessie and ran his hands down her arms, interlacing his fingers in hers. She mindlessly danced her thumbs around his as he recited softly into her ear, "If questioning would make us wise, no eyes would ever gaze in eyes; If all our tale were told in speech, no mouths would wander each to each."
"Who wrote this one?"
He squeezed her hands playfully. "Must you interrupt every time I recite one of these?"
"You've only recited one."
"And you interrupted that one, too."
"I'm sorry."
He kissed her cheek and rested his own cheek against the side of her head. "Just listen." Then he continued slowly, "Were spirits free from mortal mesh, and love not bound in hearts of flesh; No aching breasts would yearn to meet, and find their ecstasy complete." Then he paused and turned his face back into her. "I kinda like that last part."
"Now you're interrupting."
"Touche, my love. Touche. Where was I?"
"I don't know, I don't know this one."
Zac chuckled lightly. "Stop being such a smarty pants. For who is there that lives and knows, the secret powers by which he grows? Were knowledge all, what were our need, to thrill and faint and sweetly bleed." Lowering his voice to a whisper, he wrapped his arms around her once more. "Then seek not, sweet, the 'If' and 'Why.' I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live, and life in me is what you give."
The couple sat in silence for a moment after he was finished, a content smile glued to Bessie's face, her eyes heavy and drunk with romance. "That was so beautiful," she whispered.
"I'm glad you liked it."
"Zac?"
"Yes, sweetheart."
"Why do you know so many love poems?"
"Um...well. I just do, I guess."
"Did you recite them to other women?"
She felt Zac sigh against her back. She dreaded the answer, though she knew she shouldn't be jealous of his past.
"No," he finally said. "They're just poems I happen to enjoy. The, uh, the urge never really struck me to recite anything to anyone else, love poems or not. But they hold meaning for me now."
"I'm glad that they do. Because I enjoy hearing them."
"Why don't you recite me one? Since you claim to love poetry so much."
Bessie shook her head. "Oh, no. Just because I like it, doesn't mean I have anything memorized."
"That's a shame. Maybe one of these days you can tell me how you love me in a poem."
"You'll be waiting a long time for me to find the right one."
"Ah, come on," he said, squeezing her playfully. "Let's not make my ego bigger than it already is."
Bessie released herself from Zac's grip and turned around to face him. "Is there a poem that would tell the depth of your eyes, the warmth in your smile, or the perfection of your lips? Would it tell of the way I tremble at the touch of your fingertips? Or how the way you say my name sounds like angels above, my heartstrings the harps that they play the notes of. Would the poem express my love, tender and true? Would you know it's forever that I belong to you?"
Zac looked into her eyes for a moment, the smile creeping across his face. "Who wrote that one?" He whispered.
"I did. Just now. It's--it's not very good and it's not eloquent like all of those others--"
"I always thought you trembled because you were afraid."
Bessie shook her head. "Sometimes I have a hard time composing myself. So I keep it all inside and--"
Zac didn't let her finish. He leaned forward, his mouth taking hers over in a matter of seconds. As she sat on her knees, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body tightly against his, a slight moan escaping her throat uncontrollably. His hand slid downward and gripped her backside firmly, a gesture that Bessie found that she enjoyed, surprisingly enough, and she let out a sigh and let her head fall back in surrender.
As his lips fell to her neck, he pressed her body tighter against his and she found herself running her fingers through his hair. "I want you so bad, Bessie," he whispered. Then he pulled away and he looked at her, taking her face in his hands. "I told myself I'd never subject you to making love in a barn like that again. And out here in nature isn't much better. But I want you, right here and now--if you'll have me."
Bessie's eyes widened and she blinked as she searched his. As beautiful and deep as his brown eyes were, set off by his long lashes, she couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. He wanted to make love right here? Outside? In the open? "Um, right here? What if--what if someone walks up--?"
"Nobody ever comes here," he smiled. "It's why I keep coming back. Plus it'll be dark soon."
"And--and you want to right now?"
Zac grinned. "The mood just happened to strike me."
Bessie's dress that day was a dark green with a white collar and small, white flowers printed throughout. Short-sleeved and falling past her knees, she sat on her knees with the long dress tucked underneath. She watched Zac look her over before his eyes met hers again. "Let me make love to you," he said gently. "The need is almost unbearable."
Bessie was extremely turned on by the way he wanted her, though she would never let it show. So she nodded in agreement, careful not to display her excitement, remembering the way it felt last time once the initial shock had gone away. She felt her cheeks get hot and Zac must have noticed because he placed his hands on her waist once more and he smiled at her. "You want me, too, don't you?"
Biting her lip, she nodded again, barely able to look at him. Smiling, he began to toy with the buttons on the front of her dress. "There's no need to be shy. It's just me."
She didn't respond. She didn't know what to say. She did want him, but she wasn't even close to knowing anything about the art of seduction. Zac had it down pat, however, because every word that came out of his mouth caressed her ear with more eroticism than she knew what to do with. So she allowed him to unbutton the front of her dress, under the setting sun, as his eyes bore deep into hers. Her breathing quickened as her nerves began to take over her, their last time together once again entering her memory. Zac hadn't seen her last time. He'd had his hands all over her, but he hadn't seen her. And now he was going to see her. And she was scared to death.
"Zac," she whispered, catching his hands as he was halfway down the buttons on her chest. "I don't look like the other women. I don't--I'm not--"
"I don't know what you're so worried about. You're so much more beautiful than the other women."
"No," she objected. "I just--I just want you to know what you're getting into, there isn't much there that would appeal to--"
"I wish you would just shut your mouth and let me see you," he whispered, kissing her cheek and starting back on her dress. "I've already felt your entire body. I pretty much already know what to expect. And I'm so excited that it's taking all I have to behave myself. So just--just stop trying to talk me out of it. It's not going to work."
"I wasn't trying to--"
"Good," he said with a smirk. "Is it okay if I keep going?"
"Looks like you're already there."
He raised his eyebrows and he smiled at her as he opened the front of her dress. "Oh. So I am. Imagine that."
She had to smile. He was so adorable sometimes. The way he smiled, the way he made his funny little quips. Even the way he looked at her when he...when he opened the top of her dress up and was looking at her, his eyes wide. Bessie was suddenly alarmed.
"Bessie," he said nonchalantly, never taking his eyes off of her chest. "What are you wearing?"
Suddenly she was humiliated. Absolutely mortified. She should have known to not let her mother buy her all these ridiculous underthings. Granted, she never expected any of them to be seen when they were bought, either, but that wasn't the point. Now she felt like crying, her mood completely ruined.
Closing her dress over her chest, she covered up the mint green, lace-trimmed chemise and scowled in a pout at Zac. "Don't make fun of me, it's rude."
His eyes darted into hers, his brows furrowing in confusion. "I'm not making fun. Do you...have you always worn underthings like that?"
"It's new," she pouted, her eyes darting around anywhere but into his. "It wasn't meant for anyone to see anyway."
Gently, he removed her arms from her chest and opened her dress back up. "Not even me?" Then he looked back up at her, locking his eyes into hers, making it impossible for her to look away. "I'm not making fun of you. I think it's incredibly sexy."
"You do?" She asked in surprise.
"Yeah. I want to see more."
Reluctantly, and a little flattered that he associated the word sexy with her at all, she allowed him to peel her dress back off of her shoulders and unbuckle the matching belt that buckled at her waist. From there, he wasted no time pushing her dress down past her hips and letting it fall to the ground around her knees. His eyes widened as he took the rest of the short chemise in, to the point where his silence caused his jaw to slacken as his eyes slowly covered her entire body. "My god," he whispered under his breath.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," she finally said. "It makes me self-conscious."
"Please don't be self-conscious," he replied, finding her face again. "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I can't take my eyes off of you."
"Really?" She squeaked in surprise.
"Yeah," he nodded as he pulled his shirt over his head. Then he took her in his arms in an instant pulling her body against his and trailing his mouth all over her neck. His hands traveled her chemise-covered body, savoring the material and her shape underneath it. It took nothing for her to ignore her nervousness for the way his lips and his hands felt against her and she closed her eyes and let her head fall back once more, wrapping her now-bare arms around his hot skin.
She loved him without a shirt and she let her fingertips gently press into his shoulders along his back as she moaned lightly in his ear. "That feels so good," he whispered to her, sending the chills down her spine as he pawed and pulled at her chemise. "And I love the way this satin feels on you. I love satin."
"It's French silk," she corrected breathlessly.
"Even better," he growled into her ear as he grabbed another tight handful of her backside. Then he lifted his head from her neck and looked at her, his breath hot on her face. "Looks like you're getting your wish today. You don't have to get undressed out here. I want you to leave that on."
"Are you sure?"
"Oh, absolutely, yes."
Before she could respond, he was lifting her knees off the ground and sweeping her legs out from underneath her as he lay her gently on her back amongst the wildflowers. The feeling was strange, but yet so appropriate at the same time. He rested his arms on the ground by her head as she breathed in the intoxicating scent of his body. His skin sweated from the heat of the atmosphere and, between his natural smell and the faint musky scent of whatever soap he used, she was almost more turned on than she was upon seeing or listening to him.
The more she wanted him, the more she began to writhe underneath him as he kissed her, losing control of her own body by the minute. Before she could think about it, her hands were on the button of his pants and Zac froze where he was and sucked in a breath. To her surprise, he began to tremble. She'd never felt him do that before. But she bit her lip as her own realization of her actions hit her and, unable to turn back now, she locked eyes with him as she unbuttoned, and then unzipped, his pants.
His trembling heightened as she nervously reached her hand inside. She didn't know who she was right now. She'd never seen a man's anatomy before, much less touched it, and now here she was, going full speed ahead. She had no idea what she was doing, no idea what she was supposed to do when she got there, but the way he closed his eyes and dropped his jaw when she positioned her wrist awkwardly to wrap her hand around him told her that pleasing him was going to be easier than she thought.
She wasn't sure what to think when she touched him. He was bigger in her hand than she'd expected, and he way his skin was hard and throbbing against her palm made her more curious than anything. There wasn't far for her hand to go, so she stroked him in curious wonder. This was apparently the right thing to do since he started to shiver and his breathing thickened significantly as he dropped his head in surrender, his hair hanging in her face.
She began to grow severely turned on as he began to rock his hips into her hand. "Yes," he whispered. "Oh, Bessie, yes. That's it."
She bit her lip as she watched his face and her ego soared with his enjoyment. She'd never felt so powerful before, so in control, so...sexy. It was an exhilarating feeling. She felt like a woman.
"I need you baby," he whispered as her hand carefully worked on him. "Let me have you. Can I have you?"
Bessie was ready. Her mind replayed their last time together over and over and she had grown incredibly excited over the last few minutes. Nodding her head against the ground underneath her, she let out a nearly inaudible "Yes" and that was all Zac needed to hear before he sat up on his knees over her and finished unfastening his trousers.
Suddenly Bessie was nervous again. What was she supposed to be doing? Was she supposed to look at his face? Was she supposed to look at it? Was she supposed to hide her eyes?
Her curiosity got the best of her, however, and as much as she felt like she should be hiding her eyes, she chose to keep her eyes on his trousers. She couldn't help herself. She had to see what was responsible for making her feel so good that night in the barn.
When he shoved his pants down over his hips, he was standing directly at attention and her eyes widened in surprise. She'd known he was big and, while she knew she had nothing to compare anything to, she still couldn't help being impressed--and a little nervous.
Without a word, he lowered his body back over hers and parted her legs underneath him. In one swift movement, she lifted her hips to receive him and he quickly shoved himself inside her, tearing apart her insides with what felt like a double-edged blade.
Her eyes widened and she sucked in a gasp in shock as Zac stopped what he was doing and his expression matched hers. It was obvious that they'd both expected for the worst to be over the first time in the barn and that everything from that point would be easy, but that wasn't the case. Bessie's jaw quivered as she fought with herself to stay composed and Zac looked down at her face in pure horror. "Bessie, baby, I am so sorry. Are you okay?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She didn't know what to say and she was absolutely mortified. One minute she was feeling sexy and confident and the next minute she hated herself because, once again, she couldn't do anything right.
So she blinked the tears away before he could see them in her eyes. Finally, she managed to force out of her mouth, "I'm sorry."
She felt him slowly pull out of her and she could tell, just by the way he felt, that he was no longer turned on. She'd never been more humiliated in her entire life. "You didn't do anything wrong," he said quietly. "It's my fault. I should have known better, I shouldn't have been so...you know, in a hurry."
Bessie was extremely uncomfortable now. Self-conscious, exposed, disappointed, and still only mildly turned on, her main emotion was devastation, especially as she watched Zac stand up and pull his pants back on.
She stood up and brushed off her chemise, dressing herself in silence. She couldn't even look at him, but she could cut the tension with a knife. Finally, when she'd buttoned the buttons on her dress, and buckled her belt back around her waist, she smoothed it out and walked past Zac's turned back and retrieved her bicycle from against the tree. Suddenly, Zac's large hand was wrapped around her wrist and he said gently, "Hey. Where are you going?"
Letting go of the bicycle, she turned around to face him, not knowing what to say. He had pulled his hair back again and the beauty of his face completely melted her, despite her current emotional state. "I didn't mean to disappoint you," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm--I'm so mortified. That's--that's not supposed to happen, I'm--a woman is supposed to be able to please her man--"
"Bessie--"
"Please don't leave me," she whispered. "Give me another chance."
He hadn't put his shirt back on, a fact that Bessie had to admit she wasn't disappointed in, and he stepped closer to her, taking both of her hands in his. Dropping his head, he let his forehead rest against hers. "You didn't do anything wrong. Anything at all. I just--I hurt you. And hurting you doesn't make me feel good."
"Well--well I'm sure it's something we can get past--"
"I know," he replied. "Bess, I've--I've never taken a girl's virginity before. And I guess I thought the last time was it--"
"It technically was..."
"But I didn't think I would hurt you again--"
"You didn't know."
"You don't deserve to be made love to out here in the grass anyway..."
"But this is our place," she said quietly. "Just ours, nobody else's. We can do whatever we want here. I just...I'm supposed to be able to keep you turned on and--and when you weren't anymore, I thought--"
"I told you. I'm never gonna let you go, Bessie. Never. This is it, you belong to me and I belong to you and there's nowhere else I ever want to be."
Unable to look at him in the face, she let go of his hands and melted herself into his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. Returning her embrace, he held her tightly against him and stroked her hair, pressing his lips firmly into the top of her head. Her cheek against his hot skin was strangely soothing and she could feel his heart beating against his chest, a kind of comfort that sent chills down her spine and felt like home. "I love you so much," she whispered. "I promise that next time--"
"Don't apologize. Stop apologizing."
"I'm so embarrassed."
"That makes two of us, sweetheart. That makes two of us."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Bessie had absolutely no idea how humiliated Zac actually was. He didn't know what she kept apologizing for, she wasn't responsible for anything that had happened. He was the one who was inconsiderate, treating her like a savage and having his way with her without even thinking about it first. He was ashamed of himself for being so selfish and losing his erection was only the icing on the cake. No. Bessie didn't know humiliated. Not even close.
Losing his erection was not only a devastation to his ego, but it was obviously a devastation to Bessie, as well. Sure, she was naïve and inexperienced, but, hell, even she knew to be insulted by it. What had started off as a hot, erotic afternoon had turned out to be a complete disaster. And it was all Zac's fault.
As the sun set and the sky turned dark blue above them, he knew that it was way past time for Bessie to be home. "Bessie," he whispered. "Your father is going to kill me."
She pulled away from him and looked up at him, her eyes wide. "Are you trying to send me home? Do you--do you need time alone or something...?"
Shit. That was the wrong choice of words. This just kept getting worse and worse. "No," he replied. "Of course I'm not trying to get rid of you. I don't want you to go. I just don't want you to get in trouble. It's already late, you've missed supper--"
"I don't care. I just want to spend time with you. But--but maybe you're right, maybe we should just call it a night--"
Zac had had enough. "Look," he said firmly. "I don't know how many times I can say it--you didn't do anything wrong. It was me, okay? Me. I got excited. I got too eager. I'm the one who took off your dress and I'm the one that laid you out in the grass. I'm the bastard who wasn't considerate and I'm the bastard who hurt you. Okay? It was me. Now would you just let up already? It happened, let's just move on."
Bessie was speechless for the moment. Her eyes darted around nervously before she backed away from him and said meekly, "I don't--I don't really know what to do right now--"
"Stay," he said firmly. "Stay here with me, if you want to stay. We'll sit together, we'll talk, we'll do anything. Just stay here with me."
Bessie nodded. "Okay."
He hated the way he felt. He knew they still had a lot to learn about each other, despite their feelings, but he hated the tension that was in the air right now. He hated how sensitive and naïve she could be and he hated the way she always felt like everything was her fault. In a lot of ways he loved her for being as innocent as she was, but her innocence made her fragile and he was constantly fighting that battle within himself over having to stop and slow down with her.
Turning around, he bent over and scooped his shirt up off the ground and pulled it back over his head. Then he turned and took her by the hand, leading her to their usual spot at the tree trunk, and pulling her into his arms as he sat down. Letting out a sigh, he rested an elbow on his knee and swept her hair back off of her neck.
"I don't like this tension," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "This isn't us."
"I don't, either. It's frustrating to me because I'm so clueless about everything. And I shouldn't be."
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as clueless as you are."
"No, you're not. You know everything. Here, lately, all I've been is nothing but a silly wimp, afraid of shooting guns and being unable to keep you interested and--and I'm going to be nineteen next month and I don't feel like I'm even ready to turn a year older."
Zac furrowed his brow in surprise. This was new. "You have a birthday coming up?"
"I told you I had a birthday coming up," she replied lightly.
"You said soon, you didn't say next month."
"But I told you I had one."
"What day?"
"The fourteenth."
"Well--well that's just a few short weeks away."
"Yep. Three and a half."
"How come you never told me?"
"I just told you I told you."
"No, I mean how come you never told me it was coming up so soon?"
Bessie shrugged her shoulders. "Never came up, I guess."
"Your birthday's a pretty big deal, Bess."
"I don't think it is."
"Sure, it is. It's the one day every year that's only just for you. The one day where you make all the rules and everybody has to do what you say."
At that, she giggled and she looked at him over her shoulder. "With that logic, it must be your birthday every day. How old are you, really, Zac?"
Zac chuckled, amused and relieved that she made a joke, the tension lifting in the air. "Still twenty-six," he answered. "Still fucking up, still learning new things. Being poor and free ain't easy, love."
"When's your birthday?"
"October."
"Which day?"
He smiled and pulled her against him, taking her by the hands and hugging her close to him. "Let's not get off subject here, we're talking about you. Any big plans for the big nineteen?"
Bessie huffed a sigh, her body falling into a relaxed limp against his chest. "I just want cake. With lots of frosting. If you haven't noticed, I like all the foods that aren't good for me--especially the sweet stuff. But Mama is insistent on having what she calls an 'adult' party and she wants to have a ball for my birthday."
"Well, you're supposed to have a ball on your birthday--"
"No, no. A ball ball. Specifically, a masquerade ball."
"That sounds interesting."
"I guess..."
"It's not what you want?"
"I don't know..."
"You know, it's your birthday. If you don't want a masquerade ball, you don't have to have one."
"I know. I mean--I want a party. And the idea of getting all dressed up sounds fun, but I'm not sure I like the idea of the masks. I mean, why would I want to have a birthday party in a room full of people that I won't know who they are?"
Zac smirked as he lowered his mouth to her ear. "You'll know who I am. I'll be the one never leaving your side the entire night."
Bessie whipped her body around in a flash, her eyes wide and glittering. "You mean you want to come to my party?"
"Of course I do. It's your birthday, I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Oh, Zac," she said, taking his hands again and sitting back on her knees. "If you weren't at my party, I don't know what I would do. I'd be simply miserable."
"Well you don't have to be miserable," he smiled. "I'm inviting myself to be your date for your party. I mean, you know, unless you're already promised to someone else," he muttered. "Given our track record for dating..."
She scowled at him playfully. "Don't be rude. Besides, I probably wouldn't show to my own party if you weren't there. What about your birthday? Any big plans for that?"
He grinned at her. "I never really celebrated my birthday. It's just one year older, no big deal."
"What about all that stuff you just said about--?"
"Well, if others decide they want to dote on me for my birthday, that's their choice, not mine." Then he leaned forward and brushed his nose against hers. "My perfect birthday would be nothing more than to just spend the day in bed with you. Just you and me. Together. Nothing more, nothing less."
"That sounds like the perfect day every day," she whispered.
"You think so?"
"I want that, too. I hate having to split up every day just to go home and sleep alone. Some nights I can't even sleep because I miss you too much."
Zac swallowed a lump in his throat. He had only known her a short time, but there was no mistake that this was forever. She was right. He should be able to hold her every single night and wake up next to her every single day. As their love for each other grew more and more with each passing day, their misery only grew worse and worse every single night. It was a harsh, bittersweet reality, a sickness that had a cure that was currently unattainable.
Zac should just do it.
He should just come out with it. He should just ask her to marry him. It would be silly not to. He loved her and she loved him and he should have been long since married by now anyway. There was a reason he'd gone so long without being married and apparently Bessie was it.
His hands shook as he took a deep breath and he licked his lips in preparation to speak. "Bessie...um, Bessie..."
And then he closed his mouth. He couldn't finish. He couldn't even speak. He stopped and he thought about what he was doing. He couldn't do something this reckless. He couldn't do this to her. Asking her to marry him now would ruin her life. After all, he had no money and no home to provide her with. She needed to go to school. He didn't want to marry her and start a family with her with no means to support her and without giving her the opportunity to go to school and follow her dreams. He could never live with himself for it. Not to mention he had no ring for her, he hadn't done it proper by asking her father for her hand or anything. No. He just couldn't do it. This was one impulse that he absolutely could not act on.
"Yes, Zac? Were you going to say something?"
He looked at her one more time, her eyes glittering in what was left of the evening light, before he said simply, "I love you."
She reached up and took his face in her hand, her thumb brushing across his cheek. "Can we try again?"
Stunned, he blinked at her. "What?"
"You know...try again. From, um...from earlier?"
Without thinking, he blurted with a scowl, "Well, I can't see you now."
"But you can still feel me," she whispered.
And those were the magic words. As she pulled him onto her by his shirt, laying herself on her back and leading him to follow, he was immediately turned on. This time, though, he would take his time. Because this time he couldn't help but be distracted by counting all the ways he loved her. By the time he began to make love to her, he was still counting.
The sun was setting and the day had wiled away into late afternoon and now beginning the evening. The golden sunset had set the wildflowers aglow in silhouettes against the light as the insects bounced off of them in soft, busy bliss. It was quiet as the light breeze blew through, rustling the leaves in the tree above. Nearby birds sang, bees buzzed, and Scout's breath was audible as he panted lightly in the grass.
Bessie sat in Zac's arms under their tree, every moment spent with him happier than the last.
Breathing in a breath through her nose, she released it slowly and she smiled, closing her eyes as the breeze blew through her hair once more. "It's so beautiful here. It's no wonder you escape here so much."
"It was never this beautiful," he whispered softly into her ear. "Not until you started coming here."
"Tell me a love poem," she requested. "I haven't heard one in so long."
"Well I've only told you one," he answered, a smile in his voice.
"That was before you loved me."
"You're wrong. I loved you the moment the heavens opened up and showed you to me."
"That was beautiful," Bessie smiled, laying her head back comfortably on his shoulder. "Who wrote that?"
"I did. You inspire me."
"I love you."
"I love the way you say that."
"Tell me you love me in a poem."
Zac unwrapped his arms from around Bessie and ran his hands down her arms, interlacing his fingers in hers. She mindlessly danced her thumbs around his as he recited softly into her ear, "If questioning would make us wise, no eyes would ever gaze in eyes; If all our tale were told in speech, no mouths would wander each to each."
"Who wrote this one?"
He squeezed her hands playfully. "Must you interrupt every time I recite one of these?"
"You've only recited one."
"And you interrupted that one, too."
"I'm sorry."
He kissed her cheek and rested his own cheek against the side of her head. "Just listen." Then he continued slowly, "Were spirits free from mortal mesh, and love not bound in hearts of flesh; No aching breasts would yearn to meet, and find their ecstasy complete." Then he paused and turned his face back into her. "I kinda like that last part."
"Now you're interrupting."
"Touche, my love. Touche. Where was I?"
"I don't know, I don't know this one."
Zac chuckled lightly. "Stop being such a smarty pants. For who is there that lives and knows, the secret powers by which he grows? Were knowledge all, what were our need, to thrill and faint and sweetly bleed." Lowering his voice to a whisper, he wrapped his arms around her once more. "Then seek not, sweet, the 'If' and 'Why.' I love you now until I die. For I must love because I live, and life in me is what you give."
The couple sat in silence for a moment after he was finished, a content smile glued to Bessie's face, her eyes heavy and drunk with romance. "That was so beautiful," she whispered.
"I'm glad you liked it."
"Zac?"
"Yes, sweetheart."
"Why do you know so many love poems?"
"Um...well. I just do, I guess."
"Did you recite them to other women?"
She felt Zac sigh against her back. She dreaded the answer, though she knew she shouldn't be jealous of his past.
"No," he finally said. "They're just poems I happen to enjoy. The, uh, the urge never really struck me to recite anything to anyone else, love poems or not. But they hold meaning for me now."
"I'm glad that they do. Because I enjoy hearing them."
"Why don't you recite me one? Since you claim to love poetry so much."
Bessie shook her head. "Oh, no. Just because I like it, doesn't mean I have anything memorized."
"That's a shame. Maybe one of these days you can tell me how you love me in a poem."
"You'll be waiting a long time for me to find the right one."
"Ah, come on," he said, squeezing her playfully. "Let's not make my ego bigger than it already is."
Bessie released herself from Zac's grip and turned around to face him. "Is there a poem that would tell the depth of your eyes, the warmth in your smile, or the perfection of your lips? Would it tell of the way I tremble at the touch of your fingertips? Or how the way you say my name sounds like angels above, my heartstrings the harps that they play the notes of. Would the poem express my love, tender and true? Would you know it's forever that I belong to you?"
Zac looked into her eyes for a moment, the smile creeping across his face. "Who wrote that one?" He whispered.
"I did. Just now. It's--it's not very good and it's not eloquent like all of those others--"
"I always thought you trembled because you were afraid."
Bessie shook her head. "Sometimes I have a hard time composing myself. So I keep it all inside and--"
Zac didn't let her finish. He leaned forward, his mouth taking hers over in a matter of seconds. As she sat on her knees, he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body tightly against his, a slight moan escaping her throat uncontrollably. His hand slid downward and gripped her backside firmly, a gesture that Bessie found that she enjoyed, surprisingly enough, and she let out a sigh and let her head fall back in surrender.
As his lips fell to her neck, he pressed her body tighter against his and she found herself running her fingers through his hair. "I want you so bad, Bessie," he whispered. Then he pulled away and he looked at her, taking her face in his hands. "I told myself I'd never subject you to making love in a barn like that again. And out here in nature isn't much better. But I want you, right here and now--if you'll have me."
Bessie's eyes widened and she blinked as she searched his. As beautiful and deep as his brown eyes were, set off by his long lashes, she couldn't help but feel a little apprehensive. He wanted to make love right here? Outside? In the open? "Um, right here? What if--what if someone walks up--?"
"Nobody ever comes here," he smiled. "It's why I keep coming back. Plus it'll be dark soon."
"And--and you want to right now?"
Zac grinned. "The mood just happened to strike me."
Bessie's dress that day was a dark green with a white collar and small, white flowers printed throughout. Short-sleeved and falling past her knees, she sat on her knees with the long dress tucked underneath. She watched Zac look her over before his eyes met hers again. "Let me make love to you," he said gently. "The need is almost unbearable."
Bessie was extremely turned on by the way he wanted her, though she would never let it show. So she nodded in agreement, careful not to display her excitement, remembering the way it felt last time once the initial shock had gone away. She felt her cheeks get hot and Zac must have noticed because he placed his hands on her waist once more and he smiled at her. "You want me, too, don't you?"
Biting her lip, she nodded again, barely able to look at him. Smiling, he began to toy with the buttons on the front of her dress. "There's no need to be shy. It's just me."
She didn't respond. She didn't know what to say. She did want him, but she wasn't even close to knowing anything about the art of seduction. Zac had it down pat, however, because every word that came out of his mouth caressed her ear with more eroticism than she knew what to do with. So she allowed him to unbutton the front of her dress, under the setting sun, as his eyes bore deep into hers. Her breathing quickened as her nerves began to take over her, their last time together once again entering her memory. Zac hadn't seen her last time. He'd had his hands all over her, but he hadn't seen her. And now he was going to see her. And she was scared to death.
"Zac," she whispered, catching his hands as he was halfway down the buttons on her chest. "I don't look like the other women. I don't--I'm not--"
"I don't know what you're so worried about. You're so much more beautiful than the other women."
"No," she objected. "I just--I just want you to know what you're getting into, there isn't much there that would appeal to--"
"I wish you would just shut your mouth and let me see you," he whispered, kissing her cheek and starting back on her dress. "I've already felt your entire body. I pretty much already know what to expect. And I'm so excited that it's taking all I have to behave myself. So just--just stop trying to talk me out of it. It's not going to work."
"I wasn't trying to--"
"Good," he said with a smirk. "Is it okay if I keep going?"
"Looks like you're already there."
He raised his eyebrows and he smiled at her as he opened the front of her dress. "Oh. So I am. Imagine that."
She had to smile. He was so adorable sometimes. The way he smiled, the way he made his funny little quips. Even the way he looked at her when he...when he opened the top of her dress up and was looking at her, his eyes wide. Bessie was suddenly alarmed.
"Bessie," he said nonchalantly, never taking his eyes off of her chest. "What are you wearing?"
Suddenly she was humiliated. Absolutely mortified. She should have known to not let her mother buy her all these ridiculous underthings. Granted, she never expected any of them to be seen when they were bought, either, but that wasn't the point. Now she felt like crying, her mood completely ruined.
Closing her dress over her chest, she covered up the mint green, lace-trimmed chemise and scowled in a pout at Zac. "Don't make fun of me, it's rude."
His eyes darted into hers, his brows furrowing in confusion. "I'm not making fun. Do you...have you always worn underthings like that?"
"It's new," she pouted, her eyes darting around anywhere but into his. "It wasn't meant for anyone to see anyway."
Gently, he removed her arms from her chest and opened her dress back up. "Not even me?" Then he looked back up at her, locking his eyes into hers, making it impossible for her to look away. "I'm not making fun of you. I think it's incredibly sexy."
"You do?" She asked in surprise.
"Yeah. I want to see more."
Reluctantly, and a little flattered that he associated the word sexy with her at all, she allowed him to peel her dress back off of her shoulders and unbuckle the matching belt that buckled at her waist. From there, he wasted no time pushing her dress down past her hips and letting it fall to the ground around her knees. His eyes widened as he took the rest of the short chemise in, to the point where his silence caused his jaw to slacken as his eyes slowly covered her entire body. "My god," he whispered under his breath.
"I wish you wouldn't do that," she finally said. "It makes me self-conscious."
"Please don't be self-conscious," he replied, finding her face again. "You're the sexiest thing I've ever seen. I can't take my eyes off of you."
"Really?" She squeaked in surprise.
"Yeah," he nodded as he pulled his shirt over his head. Then he took her in his arms in an instant pulling her body against his and trailing his mouth all over her neck. His hands traveled her chemise-covered body, savoring the material and her shape underneath it. It took nothing for her to ignore her nervousness for the way his lips and his hands felt against her and she closed her eyes and let her head fall back once more, wrapping her now-bare arms around his hot skin.
She loved him without a shirt and she let her fingertips gently press into his shoulders along his back as she moaned lightly in his ear. "That feels so good," he whispered to her, sending the chills down her spine as he pawed and pulled at her chemise. "And I love the way this satin feels on you. I love satin."
"It's French silk," she corrected breathlessly.
"Even better," he growled into her ear as he grabbed another tight handful of her backside. Then he lifted his head from her neck and looked at her, his breath hot on her face. "Looks like you're getting your wish today. You don't have to get undressed out here. I want you to leave that on."
"Are you sure?"
"Oh, absolutely, yes."
Before she could respond, he was lifting her knees off the ground and sweeping her legs out from underneath her as he lay her gently on her back amongst the wildflowers. The feeling was strange, but yet so appropriate at the same time. He rested his arms on the ground by her head as she breathed in the intoxicating scent of his body. His skin sweated from the heat of the atmosphere and, between his natural smell and the faint musky scent of whatever soap he used, she was almost more turned on than she was upon seeing or listening to him.
The more she wanted him, the more she began to writhe underneath him as he kissed her, losing control of her own body by the minute. Before she could think about it, her hands were on the button of his pants and Zac froze where he was and sucked in a breath. To her surprise, he began to tremble. She'd never felt him do that before. But she bit her lip as her own realization of her actions hit her and, unable to turn back now, she locked eyes with him as she unbuttoned, and then unzipped, his pants.
His trembling heightened as she nervously reached her hand inside. She didn't know who she was right now. She'd never seen a man's anatomy before, much less touched it, and now here she was, going full speed ahead. She had no idea what she was doing, no idea what she was supposed to do when she got there, but the way he closed his eyes and dropped his jaw when she positioned her wrist awkwardly to wrap her hand around him told her that pleasing him was going to be easier than she thought.
She wasn't sure what to think when she touched him. He was bigger in her hand than she'd expected, and he way his skin was hard and throbbing against her palm made her more curious than anything. There wasn't far for her hand to go, so she stroked him in curious wonder. This was apparently the right thing to do since he started to shiver and his breathing thickened significantly as he dropped his head in surrender, his hair hanging in her face.
She began to grow severely turned on as he began to rock his hips into her hand. "Yes," he whispered. "Oh, Bessie, yes. That's it."
She bit her lip as she watched his face and her ego soared with his enjoyment. She'd never felt so powerful before, so in control, so...sexy. It was an exhilarating feeling. She felt like a woman.
"I need you baby," he whispered as her hand carefully worked on him. "Let me have you. Can I have you?"
Bessie was ready. Her mind replayed their last time together over and over and she had grown incredibly excited over the last few minutes. Nodding her head against the ground underneath her, she let out a nearly inaudible "Yes" and that was all Zac needed to hear before he sat up on his knees over her and finished unfastening his trousers.
Suddenly Bessie was nervous again. What was she supposed to be doing? Was she supposed to look at his face? Was she supposed to look at it? Was she supposed to hide her eyes?
Her curiosity got the best of her, however, and as much as she felt like she should be hiding her eyes, she chose to keep her eyes on his trousers. She couldn't help herself. She had to see what was responsible for making her feel so good that night in the barn.
When he shoved his pants down over his hips, he was standing directly at attention and her eyes widened in surprise. She'd known he was big and, while she knew she had nothing to compare anything to, she still couldn't help being impressed--and a little nervous.
Without a word, he lowered his body back over hers and parted her legs underneath him. In one swift movement, she lifted her hips to receive him and he quickly shoved himself inside her, tearing apart her insides with what felt like a double-edged blade.
Her eyes widened and she sucked in a gasp in shock as Zac stopped what he was doing and his expression matched hers. It was obvious that they'd both expected for the worst to be over the first time in the barn and that everything from that point would be easy, but that wasn't the case. Bessie's jaw quivered as she fought with herself to stay composed and Zac looked down at her face in pure horror. "Bessie, baby, I am so sorry. Are you okay?"
She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. She didn't know what to say and she was absolutely mortified. One minute she was feeling sexy and confident and the next minute she hated herself because, once again, she couldn't do anything right.
So she blinked the tears away before he could see them in her eyes. Finally, she managed to force out of her mouth, "I'm sorry."
She felt him slowly pull out of her and she could tell, just by the way he felt, that he was no longer turned on. She'd never been more humiliated in her entire life. "You didn't do anything wrong," he said quietly. "It's my fault. I should have known better, I shouldn't have been so...you know, in a hurry."
Bessie was extremely uncomfortable now. Self-conscious, exposed, disappointed, and still only mildly turned on, her main emotion was devastation, especially as she watched Zac stand up and pull his pants back on.
She stood up and brushed off her chemise, dressing herself in silence. She couldn't even look at him, but she could cut the tension with a knife. Finally, when she'd buttoned the buttons on her dress, and buckled her belt back around her waist, she smoothed it out and walked past Zac's turned back and retrieved her bicycle from against the tree. Suddenly, Zac's large hand was wrapped around her wrist and he said gently, "Hey. Where are you going?"
Letting go of the bicycle, she turned around to face him, not knowing what to say. He had pulled his hair back again and the beauty of his face completely melted her, despite her current emotional state. "I didn't mean to disappoint you," she whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm--I'm so mortified. That's--that's not supposed to happen, I'm--a woman is supposed to be able to please her man--"
"Bessie--"
"Please don't leave me," she whispered. "Give me another chance."
He hadn't put his shirt back on, a fact that Bessie had to admit she wasn't disappointed in, and he stepped closer to her, taking both of her hands in his. Dropping his head, he let his forehead rest against hers. "You didn't do anything wrong. Anything at all. I just--I hurt you. And hurting you doesn't make me feel good."
"Well--well I'm sure it's something we can get past--"
"I know," he replied. "Bess, I've--I've never taken a girl's virginity before. And I guess I thought the last time was it--"
"It technically was..."
"But I didn't think I would hurt you again--"
"You didn't know."
"You don't deserve to be made love to out here in the grass anyway..."
"But this is our place," she said quietly. "Just ours, nobody else's. We can do whatever we want here. I just...I'm supposed to be able to keep you turned on and--and when you weren't anymore, I thought--"
"I told you. I'm never gonna let you go, Bessie. Never. This is it, you belong to me and I belong to you and there's nowhere else I ever want to be."
Unable to look at him in the face, she let go of his hands and melted herself into his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. Returning her embrace, he held her tightly against him and stroked her hair, pressing his lips firmly into the top of her head. Her cheek against his hot skin was strangely soothing and she could feel his heart beating against his chest, a kind of comfort that sent chills down her spine and felt like home. "I love you so much," she whispered. "I promise that next time--"
"Don't apologize. Stop apologizing."
"I'm so embarrassed."
"That makes two of us, sweetheart. That makes two of us."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
Bessie had absolutely no idea how humiliated Zac actually was. He didn't know what she kept apologizing for, she wasn't responsible for anything that had happened. He was the one who was inconsiderate, treating her like a savage and having his way with her without even thinking about it first. He was ashamed of himself for being so selfish and losing his erection was only the icing on the cake. No. Bessie didn't know humiliated. Not even close.
Losing his erection was not only a devastation to his ego, but it was obviously a devastation to Bessie, as well. Sure, she was naïve and inexperienced, but, hell, even she knew to be insulted by it. What had started off as a hot, erotic afternoon had turned out to be a complete disaster. And it was all Zac's fault.
As the sun set and the sky turned dark blue above them, he knew that it was way past time for Bessie to be home. "Bessie," he whispered. "Your father is going to kill me."
She pulled away from him and looked up at him, her eyes wide. "Are you trying to send me home? Do you--do you need time alone or something...?"
Shit. That was the wrong choice of words. This just kept getting worse and worse. "No," he replied. "Of course I'm not trying to get rid of you. I don't want you to go. I just don't want you to get in trouble. It's already late, you've missed supper--"
"I don't care. I just want to spend time with you. But--but maybe you're right, maybe we should just call it a night--"
Zac had had enough. "Look," he said firmly. "I don't know how many times I can say it--you didn't do anything wrong. It was me, okay? Me. I got excited. I got too eager. I'm the one who took off your dress and I'm the one that laid you out in the grass. I'm the bastard who wasn't considerate and I'm the bastard who hurt you. Okay? It was me. Now would you just let up already? It happened, let's just move on."
Bessie was speechless for the moment. Her eyes darted around nervously before she backed away from him and said meekly, "I don't--I don't really know what to do right now--"
"Stay," he said firmly. "Stay here with me, if you want to stay. We'll sit together, we'll talk, we'll do anything. Just stay here with me."
Bessie nodded. "Okay."
He hated the way he felt. He knew they still had a lot to learn about each other, despite their feelings, but he hated the tension that was in the air right now. He hated how sensitive and naïve she could be and he hated the way she always felt like everything was her fault. In a lot of ways he loved her for being as innocent as she was, but her innocence made her fragile and he was constantly fighting that battle within himself over having to stop and slow down with her.
Turning around, he bent over and scooped his shirt up off the ground and pulled it back over his head. Then he turned and took her by the hand, leading her to their usual spot at the tree trunk, and pulling her into his arms as he sat down. Letting out a sigh, he rested an elbow on his knee and swept her hair back off of her neck.
"I don't like this tension," he whispered, kissing her cheek. "This isn't us."
"I don't, either. It's frustrating to me because I'm so clueless about everything. And I shouldn't be."
"If it makes you feel any better, I'm just as clueless as you are."
"No, you're not. You know everything. Here, lately, all I've been is nothing but a silly wimp, afraid of shooting guns and being unable to keep you interested and--and I'm going to be nineteen next month and I don't feel like I'm even ready to turn a year older."
Zac furrowed his brow in surprise. This was new. "You have a birthday coming up?"
"I told you I had a birthday coming up," she replied lightly.
"You said soon, you didn't say next month."
"But I told you I had one."
"What day?"
"The fourteenth."
"Well--well that's just a few short weeks away."
"Yep. Three and a half."
"How come you never told me?"
"I just told you I told you."
"No, I mean how come you never told me it was coming up so soon?"
Bessie shrugged her shoulders. "Never came up, I guess."
"Your birthday's a pretty big deal, Bess."
"I don't think it is."
"Sure, it is. It's the one day every year that's only just for you. The one day where you make all the rules and everybody has to do what you say."
At that, she giggled and she looked at him over her shoulder. "With that logic, it must be your birthday every day. How old are you, really, Zac?"
Zac chuckled, amused and relieved that she made a joke, the tension lifting in the air. "Still twenty-six," he answered. "Still fucking up, still learning new things. Being poor and free ain't easy, love."
"When's your birthday?"
"October."
"Which day?"
He smiled and pulled her against him, taking her by the hands and hugging her close to him. "Let's not get off subject here, we're talking about you. Any big plans for the big nineteen?"
Bessie huffed a sigh, her body falling into a relaxed limp against his chest. "I just want cake. With lots of frosting. If you haven't noticed, I like all the foods that aren't good for me--especially the sweet stuff. But Mama is insistent on having what she calls an 'adult' party and she wants to have a ball for my birthday."
"Well, you're supposed to have a ball on your birthday--"
"No, no. A ball ball. Specifically, a masquerade ball."
"That sounds interesting."
"I guess..."
"It's not what you want?"
"I don't know..."
"You know, it's your birthday. If you don't want a masquerade ball, you don't have to have one."
"I know. I mean--I want a party. And the idea of getting all dressed up sounds fun, but I'm not sure I like the idea of the masks. I mean, why would I want to have a birthday party in a room full of people that I won't know who they are?"
Zac smirked as he lowered his mouth to her ear. "You'll know who I am. I'll be the one never leaving your side the entire night."
Bessie whipped her body around in a flash, her eyes wide and glittering. "You mean you want to come to my party?"
"Of course I do. It's your birthday, I wouldn't miss it for the world."
"Oh, Zac," she said, taking his hands again and sitting back on her knees. "If you weren't at my party, I don't know what I would do. I'd be simply miserable."
"Well you don't have to be miserable," he smiled. "I'm inviting myself to be your date for your party. I mean, you know, unless you're already promised to someone else," he muttered. "Given our track record for dating..."
She scowled at him playfully. "Don't be rude. Besides, I probably wouldn't show to my own party if you weren't there. What about your birthday? Any big plans for that?"
He grinned at her. "I never really celebrated my birthday. It's just one year older, no big deal."
"What about all that stuff you just said about--?"
"Well, if others decide they want to dote on me for my birthday, that's their choice, not mine." Then he leaned forward and brushed his nose against hers. "My perfect birthday would be nothing more than to just spend the day in bed with you. Just you and me. Together. Nothing more, nothing less."
"That sounds like the perfect day every day," she whispered.
"You think so?"
"I want that, too. I hate having to split up every day just to go home and sleep alone. Some nights I can't even sleep because I miss you too much."
Zac swallowed a lump in his throat. He had only known her a short time, but there was no mistake that this was forever. She was right. He should be able to hold her every single night and wake up next to her every single day. As their love for each other grew more and more with each passing day, their misery only grew worse and worse every single night. It was a harsh, bittersweet reality, a sickness that had a cure that was currently unattainable.
Zac should just do it.
He should just come out with it. He should just ask her to marry him. It would be silly not to. He loved her and she loved him and he should have been long since married by now anyway. There was a reason he'd gone so long without being married and apparently Bessie was it.
His hands shook as he took a deep breath and he licked his lips in preparation to speak. "Bessie...um, Bessie..."
And then he closed his mouth. He couldn't finish. He couldn't even speak. He stopped and he thought about what he was doing. He couldn't do something this reckless. He couldn't do this to her. Asking her to marry him now would ruin her life. After all, he had no money and no home to provide her with. She needed to go to school. He didn't want to marry her and start a family with her with no means to support her and without giving her the opportunity to go to school and follow her dreams. He could never live with himself for it. Not to mention he had no ring for her, he hadn't done it proper by asking her father for her hand or anything. No. He just couldn't do it. This was one impulse that he absolutely could not act on.
"Yes, Zac? Were you going to say something?"
He looked at her one more time, her eyes glittering in what was left of the evening light, before he said simply, "I love you."
She reached up and took his face in her hand, her thumb brushing across his cheek. "Can we try again?"
Stunned, he blinked at her. "What?"
"You know...try again. From, um...from earlier?"
Without thinking, he blurted with a scowl, "Well, I can't see you now."
"But you can still feel me," she whispered.
And those were the magic words. As she pulled him onto her by his shirt, laying herself on her back and leading him to follow, he was immediately turned on. This time, though, he would take his time. Because this time he couldn't help but be distracted by counting all the ways he loved her. By the time he began to make love to her, he was still counting.