JOY AND DEVASTATION
If the roar of the car's engine hadn't been so loud, Isaac was sure he'd be able to hear the soft crinkling of the paper as it sat placed between his trembling fingers as he drove down the road. He couldn't stop looking at it. His heart raced, his palms sweated, and his legs were so excited that he could barely operate the pedals on the vehicle. He'd nearly given up on a moment like this. They'd come so far and few between lately that he thought the life he used to know was finally over. But, alas! Maybe it wasn't over quite yet.
Leaving Taylor back at the camp with Aishe, Isaac wasted no time getting into the car and barreling down the road at the top speed of sixty-five miles per hour. He was more afraid of burning up the engine than he was losing control of the car, but he just couldn't help himself. He simply couldn't wait to see Zac's face when he broke the news to him.
He nearly squealed onto the lawn of Anderson's Feed and Seed on two wheels, and barely shut the car's door as he made a break for the store. Bursting through the brand new glass door, Isaac halted to a stop when he walked in on his brother and the old man having a heated conversation at the check-out counter.
"It's the only way you're gonna get ahead," Zac was saying. "We've exhausted all our other options. Oh, wait--we don't have any other options."
"I'll sell the popcorn to whoever's willing to buy it. But if they can't pay, they can't pay, I ain't gonna let these good people do without."
"Burt," Zac said, matter-of-factly. "I understand what you're doing here. And it's a great thing, it really is. But the money you're making on it now is not helping you as much as it could. We have to keep our heads--your head--above water with this merchandise that's been lost. There's going to have to be a mandatory price on this popcorn, at least temporarily. Unless you can magically pick money off of a tree somewhere, this is all you got."
"I don't like it," the old man snapped.
"Yeah? Well, I didn't like coming to work that morning and seeing this place torn to shreds, but we got it handled, didn't we? Now we gotta handle all...this."
Isaac was itching to find a good stopping point in their conversation to make his presence known, not wanting to be rude and interrupt--no matter how he died to do so. Clearing his throat, the two men finally looked up at him and Burt adjusted his bifocals and looked at Isaac over them. "Well, now. What do we have here? You walk in my store right now, you pick a side. We're discussing business and we can't seem to reach an agreement."
"There's nothing to reach," Zac spat. "You're putting a mandatory price on that popcorn, that's all there is to it."
Walking over to the counter, struggling to keep his composure, Isaac felt the heat rise to his cheeks. "How 'bout I change the subject for a moment and deliver some news to my baby brother, here?" Isaac beamed and shoved the paper in Zac's face. "This came today. Read it. Read it!"
Glaring at Burt and then at Isaac, Zac snatched the paper out of Isaac's hand and went over it, his mouth moving inaudibly as he read the words. He read them over. And over. And over. Isaac couldn't begin to measure the shock on his face but he knew his own cheeks hurt from the excitement.
"Well, don't just keep us in suspense, boy, read what's on the paper," Burt pressed.
A smile crept across Zac's face, accompanied by a twinkle in his eye, as he recited the words that came off the page. "The Incredible Hansons: A small vaudeville reunion tour with your act headlining. Shows at fairs in Boston, Philadelphia, Coney Island, and NYC. Last stop NYC is three-day showcase in prominent theatre. Tour lasts three-four weeks. First stop in five days. Respond immediately." Zac ended the telegram's message and stared at the paper in silence. "Holy shit," he whispered.
"I already responded," Isaac replied with glee. "I agreed to it, we're going."
Finally, Zac's smile matched his older brother's. "HOLY SHIT!"
Zac crossed the gap between himself and his brother and threw himself at him as they whooped and hollered and danced in celebration. "Holy shit!" Zac kept saying. "Holy shit, this is it! This could be it for us, we could be back on top! What if people in New York saw us and liked us, what if...this could be it!" Then he pulled away and he straightened his clothes, breathing at his brother. "We have to pack. We have to practice, we have to--I need a new wand..."
"We have to leave immediately," Isaac said. "It'll take us at least three days to drive up there. I have to check over the car, make sure the trailer hitch isn't rusted, change the water tank...and not a whole lot of time to do all that in."
"Ike," Zac whispered breathlessly. "WE'RE GOING BACK TO NEW YORK AS THE INCREDIBLE HANSONS!"
The impromptu celebration amongst the brothers caught a second wind and hardly anything could be heard above the laughing and the jumping, except for Burt's flat, even tone. "What are you gonna tell that little girl of yours?"
This ended the celebration with an abrupt halt and Zac's expression and demeanor completely changed as the realization hit him. Isaac had to admit, even he was a little nervous about leaving Judith behind, but not near as nervous as he was for Zac. This was Zac's first love--his first real relationship. He knew right then that this trip would certainly not be like their old ones had been.
Zac collapsed down on a wooden stool that sat at the corner of the counter and he looked into the air in a daze. "Shit," he whispered. "We're gonna be gone for a month. When we come back, I'll only have a month left with her before she takes off to Oklahoma City. I'm going to miss her birthday..."
"Ain't gonna be pretty," Burt muttered.
Zac turned his head slowly, looking at Burt. "Maybe...you know, she's...she's changed some since we met, maybe...she'll understand. I know she will, she'll...she'll understand..."
Burt simply shrugged. "Won't know till you tell her."
"Burt," Zac said, his voice softening. "Are you...are you going to be okay here? Are you upset? Do you need me to stay? Because if so, I will--"
"Don't be a god damned fool," Burt snapped at him. "Life presents you with an opportunity, you take it. You don't choose to sit on your ass in a quiet feed store waiting on Farmer Joe's cow to suddenly get a grumble in her stomach. You go to New York City and do what you were born to do. You go and make people happy." Burt shook his head and muttered down at his record book, "Fool-ass boy..."
"Zac," Isaac said quietly. "Why don't I, um, head home and get started on things? You can go talk to Bessie after work and then we can finish packing up so that we can hit the road."
Zac shook his head. "No. I want to pack first. I, uh, I want to spend as much time with her as I can get. When I leave her, it'll be to drive straight out of Tulsa. That'll be as much as I can bear."
"Why don't you cut out early?" Burt said, nodding his head toward the door. "I can hold the fort down here."
"No, it's fine," Zac objected. "I'm not gonna leave you here by--"
"Go," Burt pressed. "Get on out of here."
Isaac swallowed a lump in his throat that had taken him by surprise. Suddenly, the implications of his impulse decision--a decision he'd made without discussing it with his brothers first--were suddenly coming down on him in full force. What he hadn't realized was, he and his brothers were actually starting to establish their own lives here in Tulsa. He felt like a selfish bastard for not having taken any of this into consideration. He should have put much more thought into it before he'd replied to the telegram.
But now it was a done deal. And they had to leave no later than first thing the next morning to make it in time.
Isaac shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'll, um, I'll just be outside, waiting in the car. Don't mind me, take your time."
Ten minutes later, the brothers were riding down the road in silence. What had started out as a celebration of great news and opportunity was now the subject of deep contemplation of apparent life decisions. Sure, they would be gone a month, tops. But a lot could happen in a month. That had already been more than proven over the last month.
Isaac glanced over at Zac, who sat silently, looking out the window and fidgeting with his hands. He was just about to open his mouth to speak when he looked back out the windshield and the sight made his heart drop into his stomach.
Judith Carter--his dear, sweet princess--had brought her cousin, Johnny, to the gypsy camp. There was absolutely no reason that man needed to be anywhere near the camp. This couldn't be good.
Parking the car and stepping out of it, Zac gave Isaac a concerned look before Isaac nodded at him in response to let him know everything was okay. As Zac reluctantly made his way toward the trailer, Isaac approached the pair of cousins.
"Nice place you got here," Johnny said, adjusting his hat and shoving a hand in his pocket.
"It's home," Isaac replied apprehensively.
"News travels fast here in Tulsa," he continued. "Did you know I have a close, personal friend at the telegraph office? Does deliveries for them. Pretty good at his job, too."
"I would hope so. People need to receive their messages in a timely manner."
"Yes...they need to send them, too."
Finally, Isaac sighed, exasperated. "Just say it already, Johnny. You know that we're leaving."
"Were you just gonna skip town without telling me? You have obligations here, Ike." Johnny paused and frowned down at Judith. "And what about my sweet, baby cousin?"
Isaac could smell the bullshit radiating off of Johnny. He didn't give a shit about Judith. He never had. "We won't be gone long. Just several weeks. I was going to say goodbye to Judith--"
"And shirk your responsibilities. Tsk tsk tsk."
He glared at Johnny hard, trying to read him. "You knew this was a risk. You knew this could happen."
"Yes, well. I guess I didn't think it actually would."
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy."
"I'm not your buddy," Johnny spat. "But it's a good thing I like you. The poker game will suffer without you there."
Isaac had to admit, he was a little surprised at him. He expected a fight. A few threats, even, but to be understanding about it? Isaac wasn't sure if he should be relieved about it or not.
"Johnny, I told you I could do it," Judith suddenly pleaded. "And I'm good, too, just as good as Ike."
"I already told you, Judith, men don't wanna place bets with women."
The truth was, Isaac didn't want Judith anywhere near the speakeasy while he was gone. Cousins or not, he didn't trust Johnny Carter as far as he could throw him. He got himself a good look around the camp before he turned back to Johnny. "You know, you got a lot of balls showing up on this camp."
Johnny scoffed a laugh, amused. "Is that so? I ain't scared of no gypsy. Don't look like much is going on around here, anyway. I stood here, what, ten minutes or so waiting on you and I'm still standing. Don't you dare try to pull any bullshit on me--"
"It's only because Judith's here. They know her. But they don't know you. And when strangers start lurking around their property, they tend to get a little...antsy. And my brothers and I, well, we tend to turn the other cheek. Sometimes. If we're here. What they do or who they're doing it to is none of our business, you know."
He felt a little remorseful for using the gypsies' false reputation, but Isaac tried to hide his smile as Johnny uncomfortably shifted his weight from foot to foot and tried to inconspicuously look over his shoulder. "All right," he conceded. "I can relate to that. I won't show up here again--"
"That's right. You won't. And for the record, Judith can deal the cards. I taught her everything I know and she even showed me a thing or two. The men are familiar with her. They trust her. You get anybody else in there, it's gonna make the players uneasy."
"Well," Johnny nodded, retrieving a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it. "I suppose we can give Judith, here, a whirl."
"No," Isaac said firmly. "There's no giving anyone a 'whirl.' Judith deals cards and nothing else or she does no business with your place whatsoever."
At this, Johnny grew agitated. "You know, I've had just about enough of you mouthing off at me, acting like you're some big shot boss over me. Allow me to remind you how the roles work--"
"Let me remind you that I'm not one of your flunkies that you can order around, either. You need me. You think you can run that game without me? Be my guest. But it will not be with Judith."
"It's not your place to tell me how to run my joint--"
"I'm only talking poker, Johnny. Nothing more, nothing less. And while we're issuing reminders, let's not forget, telegrams can just as easily find their way here as they can anywhere else. I don't care how many friends you have in the telegraph office. If I so much as get a feeling that Judith is anywhere else but behind the card table, I can have a telegram to this gypsy camp faster than you can blink an eye. You got that? I'll tell you, one thing that gypsies aren't are snitches. So you don't even have to worry about that."
"Your threats are starting to annoy me..."
"My threats aren't any more threats than the pine box you have on reserve for me. I know where I stand, I haven't forgotten about that. I wish you would stop trying to fight me and realize that you and I could actually work really well together--"
"You let me be the judge of that," Johnny spat, exhaling a large puff of smoke. "Right now I got a poker game I gotta go give some thought to. Judith, come along."
"I'm going to stay here and say goodbye to Isaac...if that's okay," Judith answered.
"It's fine," Isaac said, eying Johnny.
Johnny glared back at Isaac and then waved Judith off as he turned to leave. "Yeah, sure, do whatever you want."
Isaac and Judith watched Johnny walk away, taking long strides through the trees, and Isaac had no idea where he'd hidden his car, nor did he really want to know. Beside him, Judith stood in her pale, pink dress that hung off of her smooth, porcelain skin. He would miss her skin. He would miss her angelic features, her small nose, and her unnecessarily thick eyeliner. She wasn't like most girls. She was quirky and she dreamed big--but she was his. And he intended to keep it that way.
"He's really not that bad," she said softly. "He'll look out for me."
"Yeah," Isaac replied, agitated at the way she defended her cousin. "Look after you how? The way he allowed you to give peepshows to complete strangers in the back room? Never again, Judith. I mean it. I don't trust that guy as far as I can throw him."
"Ike," her light, airy voice said to him. "You're...you're different. I've been noticing it for awhile now..."
He furrowed his brow at her. "I'm not different."
"You are. You've never--I mean, you have--but you...you look out for me more. You're more concerned with what I do or who I'm with--"
Isaac sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I...I've been doing some thinking this summer--well, a lot of thinking, really--and I just...things have been changing so much and so fast, and--I want this trip to be different, Judith. I don't...I don't really have the desire to see anyone else while I'm gone. And I don't want you to see anyone else, either."
Her crystal blue eyes stared up at him and she took his hands in her own. "Isaac. Do you...? Are you saying you--?"
"I care about you, princess. I care about you a great deal. I don't want to see anything happen to you."
She batted her long lashes at him. "I care about you, too," she said softly. "But this is only a few weeks. What happens when I go back to school?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, can we just...keep that promise?"
Suddenly, a bright, delighted grin spread across her face and she threw her arms around his neck. "Absolutely, Daddy!" Then she planted one whopper of a kiss on his lips.
Isaac felt like he'd just won a million bucks.
______________________________________________________________________
The late night air was warm. The sky was clear. The moon was bright, lighting up Bessie's path as she rode her bicycle through the woods to the gypsy camp. She had waited until her parents were good and asleep before she snuck out of her bedroom window. She was so excited to surprise Zac.
She tried to ignore the feeling that kept nagging at her. She hadn't seen Zac since she'd brought lunch for him and Mr. Anderson to the feed store earlier that day. Now it was after dark, late at night, and she couldn't help but wonder could have kept him so tied up.
She could see the glow of the flames and hear the bustle of the camp through the trees as she approached. What was going on? Were they having a party and she wasn't invited? She wouldn't be surprised. Maybe she wasn't invited because she'd had...too much fun last time. But even still. She knew Zac. He wouldn't attend a party without her.
She slowed her bicycle to a stop and dismounted it, walking it slowly through the trees and into the clearing of the camp. There sure was a lot of bustle going on, all right--right in front of the Hansons' trailer.
Her heart began to race as she watched the scene unfold before her, nobody being none the wiser of her presence. Isaac stood at the car's trunk, leaning into it as he handed things to Judith and then took them back from her. Taylor busied himself with an open trunk by the car as Aishe nearly floated toward him with an arm full of laundry. And Zac...he came out of the trailer, carrying a large suitcase. "Hope you made room for this!" He called to Isaac.
Isaac turned around and puffed out smoke from the cigar that had found its way between his teeth. "I hope it's necessary," he replied. "Only bare necessities can go in the trunk. The rest can stay in the trailer."
"Of course they're necessities," Zac said, dropping the case at Judith's feet. "You act like this is my first trip or something."
Bessie found herself frozen, unable to breathe. She swore she could physically feel her heart tearing itself in half. She stood there, her mouth hanging open, as she watched the three brothers pack. The youngest one, her true love, appearing more than happy to be taking the long road right out of her life.
Finally, she creaked out, nearly inaudibly, "Zac?"
He hadn't heard her. Nobody had. She didn't figure they would. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to be heard. Part of her wanted to get back on her bicycle and ride away and pretend she didn't see anything. Part of her wanted to go home and curl up in her bed and wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Before she realized it, she heard her own voice call his name a little louder than the first time. "Zac?"
Finally, Zac whipped his head around, his eyes growing wide with surprise. "Bessie."
At that, the entire camp grew silent. Except for Taylor, who couldn't help putting his two cents in. "You mean you didn't tell her?"
Zac glared at his brother and closed the gap between himself and Bessie in just a few long strides. "Bessie, baby," he breathed, taking her hands in his.
"Are you leaving?" She blinked at him in disbelief.
His eyes fell. "Yes," he said solemnly.
"You're leaving me," she clarified, her voice wavering. "You weren't even going to say goodbye. How could you--how could you do this to me?"
"I was," he assured her. "I am. I wanted to finish packing so I had more time to spend with you--"
"Oh, really. So you're just going to keep me in the dark while Aishe and Judith are both here and--and...oh my god, you're leaving right now, aren't you?"
"First thing in the morning," he said quietly. Then he raised his eyebrows with hope. "But it won't be for long. Several weeks, a month tops. We'll be back before you know it."
Her heart fell straight into the ground and her throat closed up as she stared back at him.
"It's just a small tour," he continued. "Up north, Boston, Philadelphia, New York. A couple of fairs and a theatre show in New York. A theatre show, Bessie! Isn't that great?"
She wanted to share his enthusiasm. She knew that she should. But she couldn't. She just couldn't. She couldn't stop being selfish. She'd gotten so used to having Zac all to herself that she just knew that the time when this would finally happen would be when she went off to school. Except they'd had time to prepare for that. Nobody had time to prepare for this. At least not Bessie, anyway.
She stared up into his eyes as they danced with glee at the notion of playing shows in New York. This was the part where she encouraged him and told him how proud she was of him. This was her time to show him how perfect a girlfriend she was. But instead, she let go of his hands and took a step backward. "I'm never going to see you again," she said in a whisper.
He looked at her with confusion, furrowing his brow. "What? Bessie, that's absurd--"
She shook her head quickly. "No, it isn't. Those people in New York in the theatre, well...well, it's New York. They'll want to keep you. They'll want to keep you and they'll pay you handsomely and you'll never give a second thought boring old Tulsa ever again...including me."
He studied her face as he stepped toward her again, a smirk flashing across his lips. "You really have that much faith in me?"
"Of course I do," she nodded. "I've seen your act, you're brilliant. All three of you."
"Then you understand--"
"Take me with you!" She demanded desperately, in spite of herself.
"Bessie--"
"Please," she begged, closing their gap once more and taking hold of his hands. "Please take me with you! I can't live a minute without you! I can't do it, I can't--I won't. I won't do it, Zac, won't you please take me with you?"
His eyes glistened against the moonlight as he cleared his throat. "I can't take you with me. I'm so sorry."
"Yes, you can--"
"No. I can't. Not only would your father kill me where I stand, but we just...we can't afford the extra person."
"Please," she begged, her voice weakening. "Please, Zac. Don't make me live without you."
"Bessie, I can't--"
Finally, her hurt gave way to anger, and she dropped his hands and stepped away from him. "You can," she spat. "You just won't. If you really loved me, Zac, I wouldn't be standing here, looking like a fool, being the last person on Earth knowing what's going on!"
"Oh, don't you dare start that 'if you really loved me' shit. I won't stand for it!"
"And I won't stand for you leaving me behind. Do it, Zac. Choose. Right now. It's either me or this act. You can't have both and you obviously don't want both. So choose. Do you really love me or not?"
"That's unfair. And I know you don't mean it--"
"I do mean it!" Her light voice cried out through her teeth as she clenched her fists by her sides. "I do mean it! And by that, it seems you've made your decision. You never loved me, Zac, you never loved me!"
Zac let out a loud, exasperated sigh as he stepped backward and looked up at the sky, running a hand through his hair. "Shit, Bessie. Are we going to go through this every time you hear something you don't like? I can't handle it right now--"
"Well, then. Let me make this simple for you. You have fun on your little joyride this month. And maybe I'll still be around if you come back! My mama always told me to never--"
"Jesus Christ, Bess! Would you just, for once, just shut your mouth and listen to what's going on? We're not leaving for good! We'll be back at the end of the month, I prom--"
"Don't you promise. Don't you dare promise. Don't you dare make any more promises you don't intend to keep!"
He stepped toward her and took her hands once more, firmly, and plead to her, "Baby, I don't need this right now. Okay? What I need is your love and your support right now. I need you to tell me everything will be okay, I need you to be my girl."
She hardened her eyes at him and jerked her hands away from him, wiping her cheek with the back of one of them. "Your girl would have already known about this, Zac. Your girl would have been the most important, the--the first person you told. Your girl wouldn't have stumbled upon this sight just to watch her beau pack his entire life away, much too happy to leave her!"
Zac's face fell and his body seemed to fall with it. He shook his head and he looked at the ground before he looked back into her eyes. "Baby, please. I just--I'm in a really odd place right now. I need you right now, I just--need you."
Bessie shook her head as she took a couple steps back and slowly leaned over to pick her bicycle up of the ground. "No. You don't need me. You only need your magic tricks. And your audience and your city, with all the lights and the buildings and the glamor and the money. You don't need a silly little small-town girl when you have all that waiting just for you. Goodbye, Zac. I hope you never come back. Because then that means you're living your dream. And that's all I ever want for you."
"Bessie," he whispered, his voice cracking. "Baby, don't do this. You always do this, you always threaten that this is the end and then--"
"Maybe I've grown up. Maybe I see things for what they really are now. I think you were right in the beginning. You and I, we're just...different people. We want different things--"
"But it's not that way--"
"It is. Anyway, I have to go home. Good luck with your packing. Safe travels to you."
Her voice cracked on the last word and she turned her back to him and mounted her bicycle once more before he could see the tears that now fell in torrents down her face. As she began to ride away, his voice cracked under the pressure behind her back. "Come back," he called. "Please come back!"
"I never want to see your face again!" She called angrily through her tears over her shoulder. "And forget I ever existed!"
With that, she gasped in the night air as she rode like the wind through the trees, her tears drying as fast as they were falling. She didn't know how she made it home through the constant sobbing, but she did, and she continued to sob outside, below her bedroom window, resting her head against the hard siding of the house. She wanted to try to dry up just a little bit before she went inside so that she didn't have to risk her parents hearing her. That was the last thing she needed at the moment.
How could this be happening? Life was perfect. Zac was working at the feed store and they spent nearly every afternoon that he was off under their tree with Scout. They laughed, they read books, they talked endlessly about life and their views on worldly events. They threw sticks for Scout and they had picnics and they picked wildflowers. The best times of her young life had been spent with Zac and she couldn't see through her hurt to appreciate the good times.
Gasping in a few breaths to calm herself down, she peeled herself off the side of the house and slowly made her way up the ladder to her window. Sleep. She needed sleep. If she could sleep this off, then maybe she could think more clearly in the morning.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Bessie was long gone, but Zac still stood in place, staring at the path she'd ridden home on. He thought that if he waited long enough, she might cool down and come back.
But she never did.
The previous excitement that had taken over the camp was now reduced to low murmurs as the travel preparation continued to take place behind his back. His hand was shoved in his pocket and he wiped tears from his face with the opposite sleeve. Burt had tried to warn him--it wouldn't be pretty and it wasn't. But, Jesus, did she have to be so difficult to reason with sometimes? Did she not realize that this wasn't easy for him, either? He was ecstatic to have the opportunity to bring back the act again, but it was different now. Now it was meaningless without Bessie. He'd learned this over the summer, the day she wasn't in the audience at the fair. The act was never the same for him after the first two days, catching her eye and her smiles from the stage. If he didn't have her happiness and her support, he was whittled down to absolutely nothing.
As he wallowed in self-pity, a hand found itself lightly on his shoulder. "Zac?" Judith said quietly.
Zac didn't turn around. Sniffing and swallowing his tears away, he replied, "If you don't mind, Judith, I'd like to be alone right now."
"She's upset," she continued softly. "She doesn't understand. She isn't used to this sort of thing like I am or Aishe is or...or even Millie. She needs a little extra time to find her grasp--"
"There is no time," he replied. "As soon as the sun comes up, we're on the road and I leave--without her. God damn it, Judith, leaving has never been this hard. I'm so god damned mixed up right now. I'm happy to have this opportunity, I'm--I'm excited about it, I'm ready to go. But when I leave, who will be here to--to protect her from that asshole Billy Connors and his group of cronies, huh? If I can't be here--"
"I will," she said, pressing her hand firmly on his shoulder and turning him around to face her. "I'll be here. Those boys won't even try to mess with me. I have brothers twice the size of them, it's no secret. I promise, Zac. I'll look out for her."
Zac only nodded in response.
"She loves you," she said in a near whisper. Zac thought he saw the glimmer of a tear in her eye but he chose to ignore it. "She worships the ground you walk on, Zac. I've known Bessie for a long, long time, since she was a child. She's never been your...typical little rich girl. Sometimes she has her moments but I think it's more so her frustration with not being able to understand a situation. And--you know, maybe she's right. Maybe you should have told her this afternoon--"
"Yeah, I get it," he spat. "I'm a bastard."
"I didn't say that--"
"Yeah? Well I am a bastard. Because she just broke up with me. She let me go."
"Oh, Zac..."
"Can I please just be alone?"
Judith nodded, the hurt in her eyes apparent. As she walked away, he took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. Saying it out loud had been brutal. Right now, he wished he didn't exist.
Before he could take a step toward the trailer, Taylor seemed to materialize in front of him. Zac looked up at him, annoyed. "I don't really want to talk about it."
"I don't care," Taylor snapped. "I can't swoop in here and save the day every time you do something stupid."
Zac gaped at his brother. "What the--? It wasn't me! She left me!"
"No, she didn't. You're stupid because, once again, you didn't go after her--"
"I can't chase her down every time she has a damned tantrum!"
"So you're just going to give up on her, then. She says things like she never wants to see you again and you stand there like a knot on a log. That's perfect, Zac. Just perfect."
"Hey, what's it to you, anyway?" Zac sneered. "You got your woman, you got your happily ever after--"
"Right. Because the idea of leaving Aishe behind is the greatest feeling there is," Taylor said sarcastically. "But at least Aishe understands. At least she gets it--"
"Yeah? Well Bessie doesn't. And she made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to."
"Then make her understand. You have all night. I am not about to go on a trip with you with you and Bessie ending on a note like this. You'll drive Ike and I both crazy."
"Tay," Zac said, defeated. "She doesn't want me anymore. She made me choose. And then she chose for me. I think I messed up, I think...I think I shouldn't go on this trip."
Fear washed over Taylor's face. Zac understood it, he couldn't even believe he'd said it, himself. "I would have thought that you knew better than that," Taylor said accusingly. "Everybody knows that when women get upset they say all kinds of things they don't mean. Do you really think Bessie could live with herself if you stayed home and missed out on this opportunity?"
Zac stood there, letting his brother's words sink in. He was right. Zac knew Bessie. Deep down, beyond her hurt, she would want him to go. She would beat herself up over it if he didn't. He knew that despite her angry words, Bessie did really love him. But, Jesus, why did it have to hurt so much?
Taylor must have read Zac's expression. "Look, make sure you're back by sunrise. Ike will freak if you turn up missing."
At this, Zac took a deep breath and nodded his head. More than any rabid dog, more than any group beating, more than any mugger on the streets of a city he was unfamiliar with, Zac had never been more terrified in his entire life.
If the roar of the car's engine hadn't been so loud, Isaac was sure he'd be able to hear the soft crinkling of the paper as it sat placed between his trembling fingers as he drove down the road. He couldn't stop looking at it. His heart raced, his palms sweated, and his legs were so excited that he could barely operate the pedals on the vehicle. He'd nearly given up on a moment like this. They'd come so far and few between lately that he thought the life he used to know was finally over. But, alas! Maybe it wasn't over quite yet.
Leaving Taylor back at the camp with Aishe, Isaac wasted no time getting into the car and barreling down the road at the top speed of sixty-five miles per hour. He was more afraid of burning up the engine than he was losing control of the car, but he just couldn't help himself. He simply couldn't wait to see Zac's face when he broke the news to him.
He nearly squealed onto the lawn of Anderson's Feed and Seed on two wheels, and barely shut the car's door as he made a break for the store. Bursting through the brand new glass door, Isaac halted to a stop when he walked in on his brother and the old man having a heated conversation at the check-out counter.
"It's the only way you're gonna get ahead," Zac was saying. "We've exhausted all our other options. Oh, wait--we don't have any other options."
"I'll sell the popcorn to whoever's willing to buy it. But if they can't pay, they can't pay, I ain't gonna let these good people do without."
"Burt," Zac said, matter-of-factly. "I understand what you're doing here. And it's a great thing, it really is. But the money you're making on it now is not helping you as much as it could. We have to keep our heads--your head--above water with this merchandise that's been lost. There's going to have to be a mandatory price on this popcorn, at least temporarily. Unless you can magically pick money off of a tree somewhere, this is all you got."
"I don't like it," the old man snapped.
"Yeah? Well, I didn't like coming to work that morning and seeing this place torn to shreds, but we got it handled, didn't we? Now we gotta handle all...this."
Isaac was itching to find a good stopping point in their conversation to make his presence known, not wanting to be rude and interrupt--no matter how he died to do so. Clearing his throat, the two men finally looked up at him and Burt adjusted his bifocals and looked at Isaac over them. "Well, now. What do we have here? You walk in my store right now, you pick a side. We're discussing business and we can't seem to reach an agreement."
"There's nothing to reach," Zac spat. "You're putting a mandatory price on that popcorn, that's all there is to it."
Walking over to the counter, struggling to keep his composure, Isaac felt the heat rise to his cheeks. "How 'bout I change the subject for a moment and deliver some news to my baby brother, here?" Isaac beamed and shoved the paper in Zac's face. "This came today. Read it. Read it!"
Glaring at Burt and then at Isaac, Zac snatched the paper out of Isaac's hand and went over it, his mouth moving inaudibly as he read the words. He read them over. And over. And over. Isaac couldn't begin to measure the shock on his face but he knew his own cheeks hurt from the excitement.
"Well, don't just keep us in suspense, boy, read what's on the paper," Burt pressed.
A smile crept across Zac's face, accompanied by a twinkle in his eye, as he recited the words that came off the page. "The Incredible Hansons: A small vaudeville reunion tour with your act headlining. Shows at fairs in Boston, Philadelphia, Coney Island, and NYC. Last stop NYC is three-day showcase in prominent theatre. Tour lasts three-four weeks. First stop in five days. Respond immediately." Zac ended the telegram's message and stared at the paper in silence. "Holy shit," he whispered.
"I already responded," Isaac replied with glee. "I agreed to it, we're going."
Finally, Zac's smile matched his older brother's. "HOLY SHIT!"
Zac crossed the gap between himself and his brother and threw himself at him as they whooped and hollered and danced in celebration. "Holy shit!" Zac kept saying. "Holy shit, this is it! This could be it for us, we could be back on top! What if people in New York saw us and liked us, what if...this could be it!" Then he pulled away and he straightened his clothes, breathing at his brother. "We have to pack. We have to practice, we have to--I need a new wand..."
"We have to leave immediately," Isaac said. "It'll take us at least three days to drive up there. I have to check over the car, make sure the trailer hitch isn't rusted, change the water tank...and not a whole lot of time to do all that in."
"Ike," Zac whispered breathlessly. "WE'RE GOING BACK TO NEW YORK AS THE INCREDIBLE HANSONS!"
The impromptu celebration amongst the brothers caught a second wind and hardly anything could be heard above the laughing and the jumping, except for Burt's flat, even tone. "What are you gonna tell that little girl of yours?"
This ended the celebration with an abrupt halt and Zac's expression and demeanor completely changed as the realization hit him. Isaac had to admit, even he was a little nervous about leaving Judith behind, but not near as nervous as he was for Zac. This was Zac's first love--his first real relationship. He knew right then that this trip would certainly not be like their old ones had been.
Zac collapsed down on a wooden stool that sat at the corner of the counter and he looked into the air in a daze. "Shit," he whispered. "We're gonna be gone for a month. When we come back, I'll only have a month left with her before she takes off to Oklahoma City. I'm going to miss her birthday..."
"Ain't gonna be pretty," Burt muttered.
Zac turned his head slowly, looking at Burt. "Maybe...you know, she's...she's changed some since we met, maybe...she'll understand. I know she will, she'll...she'll understand..."
Burt simply shrugged. "Won't know till you tell her."
"Burt," Zac said, his voice softening. "Are you...are you going to be okay here? Are you upset? Do you need me to stay? Because if so, I will--"
"Don't be a god damned fool," Burt snapped at him. "Life presents you with an opportunity, you take it. You don't choose to sit on your ass in a quiet feed store waiting on Farmer Joe's cow to suddenly get a grumble in her stomach. You go to New York City and do what you were born to do. You go and make people happy." Burt shook his head and muttered down at his record book, "Fool-ass boy..."
"Zac," Isaac said quietly. "Why don't I, um, head home and get started on things? You can go talk to Bessie after work and then we can finish packing up so that we can hit the road."
Zac shook his head. "No. I want to pack first. I, uh, I want to spend as much time with her as I can get. When I leave her, it'll be to drive straight out of Tulsa. That'll be as much as I can bear."
"Why don't you cut out early?" Burt said, nodding his head toward the door. "I can hold the fort down here."
"No, it's fine," Zac objected. "I'm not gonna leave you here by--"
"Go," Burt pressed. "Get on out of here."
Isaac swallowed a lump in his throat that had taken him by surprise. Suddenly, the implications of his impulse decision--a decision he'd made without discussing it with his brothers first--were suddenly coming down on him in full force. What he hadn't realized was, he and his brothers were actually starting to establish their own lives here in Tulsa. He felt like a selfish bastard for not having taken any of this into consideration. He should have put much more thought into it before he'd replied to the telegram.
But now it was a done deal. And they had to leave no later than first thing the next morning to make it in time.
Isaac shoved his hands in his pockets. "I'll, um, I'll just be outside, waiting in the car. Don't mind me, take your time."
Ten minutes later, the brothers were riding down the road in silence. What had started out as a celebration of great news and opportunity was now the subject of deep contemplation of apparent life decisions. Sure, they would be gone a month, tops. But a lot could happen in a month. That had already been more than proven over the last month.
Isaac glanced over at Zac, who sat silently, looking out the window and fidgeting with his hands. He was just about to open his mouth to speak when he looked back out the windshield and the sight made his heart drop into his stomach.
Judith Carter--his dear, sweet princess--had brought her cousin, Johnny, to the gypsy camp. There was absolutely no reason that man needed to be anywhere near the camp. This couldn't be good.
Parking the car and stepping out of it, Zac gave Isaac a concerned look before Isaac nodded at him in response to let him know everything was okay. As Zac reluctantly made his way toward the trailer, Isaac approached the pair of cousins.
"Nice place you got here," Johnny said, adjusting his hat and shoving a hand in his pocket.
"It's home," Isaac replied apprehensively.
"News travels fast here in Tulsa," he continued. "Did you know I have a close, personal friend at the telegraph office? Does deliveries for them. Pretty good at his job, too."
"I would hope so. People need to receive their messages in a timely manner."
"Yes...they need to send them, too."
Finally, Isaac sighed, exasperated. "Just say it already, Johnny. You know that we're leaving."
"Were you just gonna skip town without telling me? You have obligations here, Ike." Johnny paused and frowned down at Judith. "And what about my sweet, baby cousin?"
Isaac could smell the bullshit radiating off of Johnny. He didn't give a shit about Judith. He never had. "We won't be gone long. Just several weeks. I was going to say goodbye to Judith--"
"And shirk your responsibilities. Tsk tsk tsk."
He glared at Johnny hard, trying to read him. "You knew this was a risk. You knew this could happen."
"Yes, well. I guess I didn't think it actually would."
"Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence, buddy."
"I'm not your buddy," Johnny spat. "But it's a good thing I like you. The poker game will suffer without you there."
Isaac had to admit, he was a little surprised at him. He expected a fight. A few threats, even, but to be understanding about it? Isaac wasn't sure if he should be relieved about it or not.
"Johnny, I told you I could do it," Judith suddenly pleaded. "And I'm good, too, just as good as Ike."
"I already told you, Judith, men don't wanna place bets with women."
The truth was, Isaac didn't want Judith anywhere near the speakeasy while he was gone. Cousins or not, he didn't trust Johnny Carter as far as he could throw him. He got himself a good look around the camp before he turned back to Johnny. "You know, you got a lot of balls showing up on this camp."
Johnny scoffed a laugh, amused. "Is that so? I ain't scared of no gypsy. Don't look like much is going on around here, anyway. I stood here, what, ten minutes or so waiting on you and I'm still standing. Don't you dare try to pull any bullshit on me--"
"It's only because Judith's here. They know her. But they don't know you. And when strangers start lurking around their property, they tend to get a little...antsy. And my brothers and I, well, we tend to turn the other cheek. Sometimes. If we're here. What they do or who they're doing it to is none of our business, you know."
He felt a little remorseful for using the gypsies' false reputation, but Isaac tried to hide his smile as Johnny uncomfortably shifted his weight from foot to foot and tried to inconspicuously look over his shoulder. "All right," he conceded. "I can relate to that. I won't show up here again--"
"That's right. You won't. And for the record, Judith can deal the cards. I taught her everything I know and she even showed me a thing or two. The men are familiar with her. They trust her. You get anybody else in there, it's gonna make the players uneasy."
"Well," Johnny nodded, retrieving a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it. "I suppose we can give Judith, here, a whirl."
"No," Isaac said firmly. "There's no giving anyone a 'whirl.' Judith deals cards and nothing else or she does no business with your place whatsoever."
At this, Johnny grew agitated. "You know, I've had just about enough of you mouthing off at me, acting like you're some big shot boss over me. Allow me to remind you how the roles work--"
"Let me remind you that I'm not one of your flunkies that you can order around, either. You need me. You think you can run that game without me? Be my guest. But it will not be with Judith."
"It's not your place to tell me how to run my joint--"
"I'm only talking poker, Johnny. Nothing more, nothing less. And while we're issuing reminders, let's not forget, telegrams can just as easily find their way here as they can anywhere else. I don't care how many friends you have in the telegraph office. If I so much as get a feeling that Judith is anywhere else but behind the card table, I can have a telegram to this gypsy camp faster than you can blink an eye. You got that? I'll tell you, one thing that gypsies aren't are snitches. So you don't even have to worry about that."
"Your threats are starting to annoy me..."
"My threats aren't any more threats than the pine box you have on reserve for me. I know where I stand, I haven't forgotten about that. I wish you would stop trying to fight me and realize that you and I could actually work really well together--"
"You let me be the judge of that," Johnny spat, exhaling a large puff of smoke. "Right now I got a poker game I gotta go give some thought to. Judith, come along."
"I'm going to stay here and say goodbye to Isaac...if that's okay," Judith answered.
"It's fine," Isaac said, eying Johnny.
Johnny glared back at Isaac and then waved Judith off as he turned to leave. "Yeah, sure, do whatever you want."
Isaac and Judith watched Johnny walk away, taking long strides through the trees, and Isaac had no idea where he'd hidden his car, nor did he really want to know. Beside him, Judith stood in her pale, pink dress that hung off of her smooth, porcelain skin. He would miss her skin. He would miss her angelic features, her small nose, and her unnecessarily thick eyeliner. She wasn't like most girls. She was quirky and she dreamed big--but she was his. And he intended to keep it that way.
"He's really not that bad," she said softly. "He'll look out for me."
"Yeah," Isaac replied, agitated at the way she defended her cousin. "Look after you how? The way he allowed you to give peepshows to complete strangers in the back room? Never again, Judith. I mean it. I don't trust that guy as far as I can throw him."
"Ike," her light, airy voice said to him. "You're...you're different. I've been noticing it for awhile now..."
He furrowed his brow at her. "I'm not different."
"You are. You've never--I mean, you have--but you...you look out for me more. You're more concerned with what I do or who I'm with--"
Isaac sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "Look, I...I've been doing some thinking this summer--well, a lot of thinking, really--and I just...things have been changing so much and so fast, and--I want this trip to be different, Judith. I don't...I don't really have the desire to see anyone else while I'm gone. And I don't want you to see anyone else, either."
Her crystal blue eyes stared up at him and she took his hands in her own. "Isaac. Do you...? Are you saying you--?"
"I care about you, princess. I care about you a great deal. I don't want to see anything happen to you."
She batted her long lashes at him. "I care about you, too," she said softly. "But this is only a few weeks. What happens when I go back to school?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we get there. For now, can we just...keep that promise?"
Suddenly, a bright, delighted grin spread across her face and she threw her arms around his neck. "Absolutely, Daddy!" Then she planted one whopper of a kiss on his lips.
Isaac felt like he'd just won a million bucks.
______________________________________________________________________
The late night air was warm. The sky was clear. The moon was bright, lighting up Bessie's path as she rode her bicycle through the woods to the gypsy camp. She had waited until her parents were good and asleep before she snuck out of her bedroom window. She was so excited to surprise Zac.
She tried to ignore the feeling that kept nagging at her. She hadn't seen Zac since she'd brought lunch for him and Mr. Anderson to the feed store earlier that day. Now it was after dark, late at night, and she couldn't help but wonder could have kept him so tied up.
She could see the glow of the flames and hear the bustle of the camp through the trees as she approached. What was going on? Were they having a party and she wasn't invited? She wouldn't be surprised. Maybe she wasn't invited because she'd had...too much fun last time. But even still. She knew Zac. He wouldn't attend a party without her.
She slowed her bicycle to a stop and dismounted it, walking it slowly through the trees and into the clearing of the camp. There sure was a lot of bustle going on, all right--right in front of the Hansons' trailer.
Her heart began to race as she watched the scene unfold before her, nobody being none the wiser of her presence. Isaac stood at the car's trunk, leaning into it as he handed things to Judith and then took them back from her. Taylor busied himself with an open trunk by the car as Aishe nearly floated toward him with an arm full of laundry. And Zac...he came out of the trailer, carrying a large suitcase. "Hope you made room for this!" He called to Isaac.
Isaac turned around and puffed out smoke from the cigar that had found its way between his teeth. "I hope it's necessary," he replied. "Only bare necessities can go in the trunk. The rest can stay in the trailer."
"Of course they're necessities," Zac said, dropping the case at Judith's feet. "You act like this is my first trip or something."
Bessie found herself frozen, unable to breathe. She swore she could physically feel her heart tearing itself in half. She stood there, her mouth hanging open, as she watched the three brothers pack. The youngest one, her true love, appearing more than happy to be taking the long road right out of her life.
Finally, she creaked out, nearly inaudibly, "Zac?"
He hadn't heard her. Nobody had. She didn't figure they would. She wasn't sure if she even wanted to be heard. Part of her wanted to get back on her bicycle and ride away and pretend she didn't see anything. Part of her wanted to go home and curl up in her bed and wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Before she realized it, she heard her own voice call his name a little louder than the first time. "Zac?"
Finally, Zac whipped his head around, his eyes growing wide with surprise. "Bessie."
At that, the entire camp grew silent. Except for Taylor, who couldn't help putting his two cents in. "You mean you didn't tell her?"
Zac glared at his brother and closed the gap between himself and Bessie in just a few long strides. "Bessie, baby," he breathed, taking her hands in his.
"Are you leaving?" She blinked at him in disbelief.
His eyes fell. "Yes," he said solemnly.
"You're leaving me," she clarified, her voice wavering. "You weren't even going to say goodbye. How could you--how could you do this to me?"
"I was," he assured her. "I am. I wanted to finish packing so I had more time to spend with you--"
"Oh, really. So you're just going to keep me in the dark while Aishe and Judith are both here and--and...oh my god, you're leaving right now, aren't you?"
"First thing in the morning," he said quietly. Then he raised his eyebrows with hope. "But it won't be for long. Several weeks, a month tops. We'll be back before you know it."
Her heart fell straight into the ground and her throat closed up as she stared back at him.
"It's just a small tour," he continued. "Up north, Boston, Philadelphia, New York. A couple of fairs and a theatre show in New York. A theatre show, Bessie! Isn't that great?"
She wanted to share his enthusiasm. She knew that she should. But she couldn't. She just couldn't. She couldn't stop being selfish. She'd gotten so used to having Zac all to herself that she just knew that the time when this would finally happen would be when she went off to school. Except they'd had time to prepare for that. Nobody had time to prepare for this. At least not Bessie, anyway.
She stared up into his eyes as they danced with glee at the notion of playing shows in New York. This was the part where she encouraged him and told him how proud she was of him. This was her time to show him how perfect a girlfriend she was. But instead, she let go of his hands and took a step backward. "I'm never going to see you again," she said in a whisper.
He looked at her with confusion, furrowing his brow. "What? Bessie, that's absurd--"
She shook her head quickly. "No, it isn't. Those people in New York in the theatre, well...well, it's New York. They'll want to keep you. They'll want to keep you and they'll pay you handsomely and you'll never give a second thought boring old Tulsa ever again...including me."
He studied her face as he stepped toward her again, a smirk flashing across his lips. "You really have that much faith in me?"
"Of course I do," she nodded. "I've seen your act, you're brilliant. All three of you."
"Then you understand--"
"Take me with you!" She demanded desperately, in spite of herself.
"Bessie--"
"Please," she begged, closing their gap once more and taking hold of his hands. "Please take me with you! I can't live a minute without you! I can't do it, I can't--I won't. I won't do it, Zac, won't you please take me with you?"
His eyes glistened against the moonlight as he cleared his throat. "I can't take you with me. I'm so sorry."
"Yes, you can--"
"No. I can't. Not only would your father kill me where I stand, but we just...we can't afford the extra person."
"Please," she begged, her voice weakening. "Please, Zac. Don't make me live without you."
"Bessie, I can't--"
Finally, her hurt gave way to anger, and she dropped his hands and stepped away from him. "You can," she spat. "You just won't. If you really loved me, Zac, I wouldn't be standing here, looking like a fool, being the last person on Earth knowing what's going on!"
"Oh, don't you dare start that 'if you really loved me' shit. I won't stand for it!"
"And I won't stand for you leaving me behind. Do it, Zac. Choose. Right now. It's either me or this act. You can't have both and you obviously don't want both. So choose. Do you really love me or not?"
"That's unfair. And I know you don't mean it--"
"I do mean it!" Her light voice cried out through her teeth as she clenched her fists by her sides. "I do mean it! And by that, it seems you've made your decision. You never loved me, Zac, you never loved me!"
Zac let out a loud, exasperated sigh as he stepped backward and looked up at the sky, running a hand through his hair. "Shit, Bessie. Are we going to go through this every time you hear something you don't like? I can't handle it right now--"
"Well, then. Let me make this simple for you. You have fun on your little joyride this month. And maybe I'll still be around if you come back! My mama always told me to never--"
"Jesus Christ, Bess! Would you just, for once, just shut your mouth and listen to what's going on? We're not leaving for good! We'll be back at the end of the month, I prom--"
"Don't you promise. Don't you dare promise. Don't you dare make any more promises you don't intend to keep!"
He stepped toward her and took her hands once more, firmly, and plead to her, "Baby, I don't need this right now. Okay? What I need is your love and your support right now. I need you to tell me everything will be okay, I need you to be my girl."
She hardened her eyes at him and jerked her hands away from him, wiping her cheek with the back of one of them. "Your girl would have already known about this, Zac. Your girl would have been the most important, the--the first person you told. Your girl wouldn't have stumbled upon this sight just to watch her beau pack his entire life away, much too happy to leave her!"
Zac's face fell and his body seemed to fall with it. He shook his head and he looked at the ground before he looked back into her eyes. "Baby, please. I just--I'm in a really odd place right now. I need you right now, I just--need you."
Bessie shook her head as she took a couple steps back and slowly leaned over to pick her bicycle up of the ground. "No. You don't need me. You only need your magic tricks. And your audience and your city, with all the lights and the buildings and the glamor and the money. You don't need a silly little small-town girl when you have all that waiting just for you. Goodbye, Zac. I hope you never come back. Because then that means you're living your dream. And that's all I ever want for you."
"Bessie," he whispered, his voice cracking. "Baby, don't do this. You always do this, you always threaten that this is the end and then--"
"Maybe I've grown up. Maybe I see things for what they really are now. I think you were right in the beginning. You and I, we're just...different people. We want different things--"
"But it's not that way--"
"It is. Anyway, I have to go home. Good luck with your packing. Safe travels to you."
Her voice cracked on the last word and she turned her back to him and mounted her bicycle once more before he could see the tears that now fell in torrents down her face. As she began to ride away, his voice cracked under the pressure behind her back. "Come back," he called. "Please come back!"
"I never want to see your face again!" She called angrily through her tears over her shoulder. "And forget I ever existed!"
With that, she gasped in the night air as she rode like the wind through the trees, her tears drying as fast as they were falling. She didn't know how she made it home through the constant sobbing, but she did, and she continued to sob outside, below her bedroom window, resting her head against the hard siding of the house. She wanted to try to dry up just a little bit before she went inside so that she didn't have to risk her parents hearing her. That was the last thing she needed at the moment.
How could this be happening? Life was perfect. Zac was working at the feed store and they spent nearly every afternoon that he was off under their tree with Scout. They laughed, they read books, they talked endlessly about life and their views on worldly events. They threw sticks for Scout and they had picnics and they picked wildflowers. The best times of her young life had been spent with Zac and she couldn't see through her hurt to appreciate the good times.
Gasping in a few breaths to calm herself down, she peeled herself off the side of the house and slowly made her way up the ladder to her window. Sleep. She needed sleep. If she could sleep this off, then maybe she could think more clearly in the morning.
_____________________________________________________________________________
Bessie was long gone, but Zac still stood in place, staring at the path she'd ridden home on. He thought that if he waited long enough, she might cool down and come back.
But she never did.
The previous excitement that had taken over the camp was now reduced to low murmurs as the travel preparation continued to take place behind his back. His hand was shoved in his pocket and he wiped tears from his face with the opposite sleeve. Burt had tried to warn him--it wouldn't be pretty and it wasn't. But, Jesus, did she have to be so difficult to reason with sometimes? Did she not realize that this wasn't easy for him, either? He was ecstatic to have the opportunity to bring back the act again, but it was different now. Now it was meaningless without Bessie. He'd learned this over the summer, the day she wasn't in the audience at the fair. The act was never the same for him after the first two days, catching her eye and her smiles from the stage. If he didn't have her happiness and her support, he was whittled down to absolutely nothing.
As he wallowed in self-pity, a hand found itself lightly on his shoulder. "Zac?" Judith said quietly.
Zac didn't turn around. Sniffing and swallowing his tears away, he replied, "If you don't mind, Judith, I'd like to be alone right now."
"She's upset," she continued softly. "She doesn't understand. She isn't used to this sort of thing like I am or Aishe is or...or even Millie. She needs a little extra time to find her grasp--"
"There is no time," he replied. "As soon as the sun comes up, we're on the road and I leave--without her. God damn it, Judith, leaving has never been this hard. I'm so god damned mixed up right now. I'm happy to have this opportunity, I'm--I'm excited about it, I'm ready to go. But when I leave, who will be here to--to protect her from that asshole Billy Connors and his group of cronies, huh? If I can't be here--"
"I will," she said, pressing her hand firmly on his shoulder and turning him around to face her. "I'll be here. Those boys won't even try to mess with me. I have brothers twice the size of them, it's no secret. I promise, Zac. I'll look out for her."
Zac only nodded in response.
"She loves you," she said in a near whisper. Zac thought he saw the glimmer of a tear in her eye but he chose to ignore it. "She worships the ground you walk on, Zac. I've known Bessie for a long, long time, since she was a child. She's never been your...typical little rich girl. Sometimes she has her moments but I think it's more so her frustration with not being able to understand a situation. And--you know, maybe she's right. Maybe you should have told her this afternoon--"
"Yeah, I get it," he spat. "I'm a bastard."
"I didn't say that--"
"Yeah? Well I am a bastard. Because she just broke up with me. She let me go."
"Oh, Zac..."
"Can I please just be alone?"
Judith nodded, the hurt in her eyes apparent. As she walked away, he took a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair. Saying it out loud had been brutal. Right now, he wished he didn't exist.
Before he could take a step toward the trailer, Taylor seemed to materialize in front of him. Zac looked up at him, annoyed. "I don't really want to talk about it."
"I don't care," Taylor snapped. "I can't swoop in here and save the day every time you do something stupid."
Zac gaped at his brother. "What the--? It wasn't me! She left me!"
"No, she didn't. You're stupid because, once again, you didn't go after her--"
"I can't chase her down every time she has a damned tantrum!"
"So you're just going to give up on her, then. She says things like she never wants to see you again and you stand there like a knot on a log. That's perfect, Zac. Just perfect."
"Hey, what's it to you, anyway?" Zac sneered. "You got your woman, you got your happily ever after--"
"Right. Because the idea of leaving Aishe behind is the greatest feeling there is," Taylor said sarcastically. "But at least Aishe understands. At least she gets it--"
"Yeah? Well Bessie doesn't. And she made it pretty clear that she doesn't want to."
"Then make her understand. You have all night. I am not about to go on a trip with you with you and Bessie ending on a note like this. You'll drive Ike and I both crazy."
"Tay," Zac said, defeated. "She doesn't want me anymore. She made me choose. And then she chose for me. I think I messed up, I think...I think I shouldn't go on this trip."
Fear washed over Taylor's face. Zac understood it, he couldn't even believe he'd said it, himself. "I would have thought that you knew better than that," Taylor said accusingly. "Everybody knows that when women get upset they say all kinds of things they don't mean. Do you really think Bessie could live with herself if you stayed home and missed out on this opportunity?"
Zac stood there, letting his brother's words sink in. He was right. Zac knew Bessie. Deep down, beyond her hurt, she would want him to go. She would beat herself up over it if he didn't. He knew that despite her angry words, Bessie did really love him. But, Jesus, why did it have to hurt so much?
Taylor must have read Zac's expression. "Look, make sure you're back by sunrise. Ike will freak if you turn up missing."
At this, Zac took a deep breath and nodded his head. More than any rabid dog, more than any group beating, more than any mugger on the streets of a city he was unfamiliar with, Zac had never been more terrified in his entire life.