I'M NEVER GONNA LET YOU GO (REPRISE)
After having washed her face and slipping a fresh nightgown over her head, Bessie knelt by her bed and attempted to say her prayers in the glow of the low lamp light that softly illuminated her bedroom. She had gotten as far as, "Dear God, I don't know what to do," before she broke down again and was unable to speak another word. Would she ever run out of tears? She wished she wouldn't find out, but she feared that she might.
After her failed attempt at pouring her heart out to the Holy Spirit, she now sat on the edge of her bed, fidgeting with her hands in her lap as her head hung to watch the commencing battle. She was ashamed of herself and so angry at Zac at the same time. How could he have kept something like this from her? What were his intentions? To listlessly wave "Bye" to her and expect it to be enough? No goodbye would ever be enough. She remembered the two days she spent without him before the social and those days had been absolute torture--and at that point, they hadn't even kissed yet. Since then, their relationship had progressed in such a way that she couldn't even believe that he was entertaining the thought of doing anything without her. What did that say about him? What did that say about how he felt about their relationship? Had she misread him? Was she in this relationship more than he was?
What would she do without him?
Before the tears could take her over again, a sound startled her and she jerked her head up, her eyes widening at her window. Her heart leapt and she blinked in wonder as Zac stood on the ladder and raised her window higher, helping himself inside her bedroom. He sat on the inside of her sill and he looked at her for a moment. Finally, in a whisper, he asked, "Are your parents asleep?"
Bessie nodded at him as her fingers battled more severely with each other.
Wordlessly, he slipped off his shoes and quietly laid them down by the window. He stood up in her bedroom and shoved his hands in his pockets as he looked around. "I've never been in here before," he remarked, keeping his whisper. "It's nice."
She shrugged a meek shoulder at him and turned her hand over in her lap so far that her elbow extended beside her. She felt horrible, as if she were two feet tall. Having no more to say to him, she looked up at him, her eyes pleading, and whispered, "I love you."
Crossing the room, he knelt down onto the floor in front of her and took both of her hands in his. "Baby," he whispered. "I am so sorry you had to find out like this. We only just found out this afternoon, but I made a bad judgment call--"
"I understand if you want to break up with me...you know, for good." Her eyes fell in shame. "I acted like a spoiled brat. Nobody wants to come home to a spoiled brat who screams at them all the time."
"Sweetheart," he replied, squeezing her hands gently. "I understand that you're upset. Something like this, it's--it's a lot to take in all of a sudden like this. I've never...I've never been in this situation before, I've never..."
"Had to say goodbye," she finished.
"This is not goodbye," he replied through clenched teeth. "I will never say goodbye to you."
"But you will," she said, her voice cracking. "You will. When you get up there to the big city and they see how brilliant you guys are, you'll never come back. This could--this could be the last time we ever see each other."
"That's not true," Zac whispered, his voice strangled. "Bess, you're not understanding. The likelihood of us not coming home is...at least one in a--"
"But there's still a chance."
"It's not going to happen. It's a small tour. A very small tour. But IF something crazy were to actually happen, I would come back for you. Okay? I would take you to live in New York with me and you would go to the best school and we'd get married and have babies and we would live our lives together. I will come back for you."
"I'm so afraid," she whispered. "I'm so scared that you'll get there and get caught up in all the glamorous city life and forget all about me. I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait and you won't even remember my name--"
"Never," he said firmly. "Bessie, when I first laid eyes on you, that was it for me. My life has absolutely no meaning without you in it. None. Without you, I'm nothing. You have to believe me. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. Please. I'm begging you not to give up on me."
She looked into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes with the long lashes that she'd so easily fallen for. "The reality is you've only known me for a month. I just don't want to fall through the cracks."
"And this has been the best month of my existence. You've changed my life, Bessie Harlow. For the better." He reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, the chills running down her spine from his simple touch. "You've taken a man--a hardheaded, stubborn...cynic...and turned him into a believer. Into someone who knows where his heart is now and what it's capable of. And I don't ever want to look back. Look, it doesn't matter where I am on this earth, whether I'm at the very top of Mount Everest or--or down in a hole, digging to China or wherever I am, you will always be the center of my universe. Always. Please believe that."
Bessie sniffed and took her hand from Zac's just long enough to wipe a tear from her eye. "I lied when I said I never wanted to see your face again." She reached out and pressed her palm gently against his cheek. "You have the most beautiful face I've ever seen. And I don't want to lose you, I didn't mean the things I said to you. I want you to come home to me. Straight home to me, right into my arms--"
"Absolutely," he smiled weakly. "I've already started counting down the days."
"I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive. The truth is, I'm proud of you, Zac. I'm so proud, my heart could burst. I want you to do well on your tour. I know this is what makes you happy." Then, for the first time that night, she managed to crack a smile. "I wish I could see you on that grand stage. I bet all the ladies would faint in their seats over how handsome you'll be under those bright lights."
Zac blushed and he smiled and he lifted her hand to his lips.
Then she furrowed her brow sternly. "But no flower tricks."
At this, he looked up and he blinked at her. "What?"
"That's my only stipulation. No trick flowers. You did your last flower trick for me and that's where it'll end. I don't want some other woman falling for you over the same trick I fell for you over. It's not right. It's mine now. It's special. Promise me."
He looked up at her and he searched her eyes for a moment before he repeatedly left gentle kisses on her hand. "No more trick flowers," he agreed. "You have my word."
"Just your word?"
"You have my everything."
Looking down into his eyes a moment longer, she gently stood up, Zac standing along with her to get out of her way. Carefully, she walked to her bedroom door and turned the lock as slowly and silently as she possibly could.
As she made her way back to him, he shook his head in objection. "Bessie," he whispered.
But she ignored him. She stood in front of him, looking him over as his suspenders hung along either side of his brown trousers and his white button-down was open nearly to his chest. A brief flash of a smirk crossed her lips as she looked him over. The less Zac had to wear, the better he felt. In some ways he reminded her of Tom Sawyer in the old Mark Twain book. It was charming the way Zac could be so elegant and so mature, but so playful and boyish at the same time. Sometimes he could be frustrating and hard to reason with. He could be hotheaded and stubborn. But he was still absolutely perfect in Bessie's eyes.
Slowly, silently, one-by-one, she unbuttoned each button on his shirt and gently untucked it from his trousers, carefully peeling it back off of each shoulder. He took his arms out of it and allowed it to fall to the floor around his feet. He was every bit as breathtaking as he had ever been, his skin color deepened with the time they'd spent in the sun together. His chest was broader and more defined and his biceps were bigger and harder from the work he had put in at the feed store. She gazed at his torso, drinking his physique in with her eyes as she slid her hands slowly and deliberately over his warm skin. Stepping close to him, she curled her arms around his shoulders and pressed her lips into him just underneath his collar bone. Her kiss lingered for a moment before she brushed her nose over the area and pressed her forehead into his shoulder. She needed to feel him. She needed to taste him and take in his scent and remember everything there was to remember about his skin and his warmth.
He had just lifted his arms to slide them around her waist when she pulled away and stepped around him to run her hands along his strong back. Rubbing his shoulders, she explored his perfect muscles and let her nails graze gently downward. She felt him tremble beneath her touch and, with that, she curled her arms back underneath his and let her hands explore his chest once more as she peppered his back with gentle kisses. She heard him sigh softly and he lifted his hands to cover hers.
"Zac," she breathed into his skin as she let her hands shamelessly fall to his waist. "I need you, too."
His head dropped as her hands found the button on his trousers and she nimbly unfastened them, loosening them from his waist. She shoved them down his thighs and let them drop into a heap around his ankles. It dizzied her for a second to think about the idea of having a naked man in her bedroom. That had never happened before and she never imagined it ever would. But if there had to be one, she was glad it was Zac and that it would never be another.
As she made her way back around to the front of his body, his entire body now completely at attention, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him eagerly, pressing his forehead into hers as she snaked an arm around his neck and caressed his face with her other hand. "You are the most incredible thing I have ever seen," she whispered. "What am I going to do for an entire month without you? What will I do without your body? Without your touch, without your lips...?"
"Remember tonight," he replied as he bent down and shoved her nightgown up her thighs and lifted her up off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist, feeling the way he brushed against her intimately, sending waves of anticipation throughout her body. "Remember the way it feels to make love with me. Nobody could ever make you feel the way I do. That's a promise."
Without another word, she tangled her hands into his hair and crashed her lips into his, lifting her body upward and pulling his head back by the hair she grasped in her fists. His fingertips scraped firmly up her thighs as he pushed her nightgown the rest of the way up and then he pulled it up over her head. Running his hands over his back, he glanced down at the space between them and he looked into her face and shook his head. "God, you're so beautiful."
Normally she would feel self-conscious about her complete nudity, but there was just no time for that tonight. The minutes seemed to tick by as fast as seconds and she wanted Zac--needed him--just this one last time before he left. Tonight there was no time for shyness or modesty. Tonight there was only him and her and the love they shared with each other.
With her ankles locked around his waist, Zac carefully crawled onto her bed with her, her heart pounding at the notion that she was about to make love in her bed for the first time. The most action her large, wooden, four-poster bed had seen were the sleepovers she'd had with Judith and Millie. Now she wasn't so sure she could allow Judith and Millie to sleep in this bed anymore. It would never be the same, not after tonight.
He lay her down gently and she unlocked herself from around him as he lay on his side next to her, propped up with an elbow. She stared up at him, running her hands through his soft, brown hair, allowing him to explore her body with his free hand however he saw fit. He didn't get far before she pulled his head down and kissed him, unable to stay away from his mouth for very long. She craved his tongue, how perfect and soft it was, and the way it moved so erotically in her mouth. His kiss, alone, sent enough shivers down her spine to last a lifetime.
Surrendering to her, he positioned himself on top of her as she opened her legs to accommodate him. The anticipation nearly killed her. "Zac," she gasped up at him, combing his hair away from his face with her fingers. "Zac, I need you. I do. You can take your time if you want, but I really need you."
He wasted no time on her request and she bit her lip at the pain for the first minute. Soon enough, though, she began to relax and allowed herself to be carried away into erotic oblivion. He felt unbelievable. He always did. She had to be quiet, however, and he was careful, too, as his deep sighs only turned her on more and more. "Yes," she hissed into his ear. "Yes, baby, yes. God, I love you so much."
This seemed to excite him more and he began to work harder, the knock of the bed against the wall suddenly startling them both. She stared up at him, wide-eyed, as he deliberately reached up and gripped the top of the headboard to let his fingers act as a silent barrier between the wood and the wall. This also allowed her to watch his bicep flex deliciously as he pulled himself eagerly into her and she licked her lips and tilted her head back on her pillow as she arched her back underneath him.
She looked up at him, barely able to see his eyes through the hair that hung in his face as they stared back at her with desire and intensity. She was barely able to reach up and shove his hair out of his face before she reached her end, throwing her head back on the pillow and biting her lip to keep herself from crying out. It was the quietest, most intense thing she had felt to date and she didn't have time to come down from it before he collapsed himself on her, pressing her thigh to his body with his arm, as he shoved himself forcefully into her, one, two, three times, the third time being the last. His body shuddered and his hot breath filled her neck and she took a moment before she turned her head and kissed his temple, the closest part of his face she could reach.
He didn't move, though. In fact, his body continued to tremble, though differently this time. He had removed himself from her, but now he took short, staggered breaths and his shoulders heaved in rhythm with his breathing. It took her a moment longer of listening to realize he was crying and instantly, she wrapped his arms comfortingly around him and held him tightly, trying to ignore the way his body weight was starting to become uncomfortable on her.
She reached up and she ran her fingers through his hair and he finally found it in him to rest himself on his arms, relieving some of the pressure. Underneath him, she turned over on her side and he followed her lead, resting himself on his side beside her as she reached down and pulled the covers up over them. "Bessie, I can't do this," he whispered, his tears glistening in the low lamp light. "I can't leave. I can't be without you."
"You can," she said softly, surprising herself as she lifted her hand and wiped his tears with her thumb. "I'll be right here when you come home, I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry. I tried to be strong. I did. I just...I have all these scenarios running around in my head. What if they do keep us? What if it's longer than a month? What if we get stranded and we can't come home? What if something happens to the car or the trailer? What if I don't make it in time before you have to leave for school? I'm scared to death, Bessie. I'm so scared to leave you. I've never been through this before and I just don't...know what to do."
"Well, I've never been through this before, either, if that makes you feel any better," she whispered. "And that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right? Learn together? Experience things together? Grow together? Through the good and the bad? Sure, the leaving isn't fun, but once you get where you're going, you'll have an amazing time. And I'll be right here, cheering you on every step of the way."
"I want to come home," he said through his tears. "I haven't even left yet and I already want to come home."
She leaned over and she kissed his cheek and she smiled at him. "Look at us. Look how the roles have reversed so quickly. I guess we know what it feels like to be each other, don't we?"
"Tell me what to do," he said, nearly inaudibly. "Tell me what decision to make."
"I didn't realize there was a decision. I thought it was already a done deal? But if I must make one for you, I'm going to tell you to go. As much as it hurts, I'm more proud of you than I am selfish. I want you to go and do what makes you happy. I know how much this act means to you. If you didn't go, and you threw it all away, you would be miserable. You and I both know that."
"It hurts. It already hurts so much."
"Miss me tomorrow. Don't miss me right now. Spend tonight in my arms--"
"Your father will kill me--"
"I don't care about them. And they won't find out. Spend the night with me. Remember tonight, isn't that what you said just awhile ago?"
"I did," he said, cracking a smile and wiping his tears away with his wrist. "God, I feel like such a fucking sap. You're the only one I ever let see me cry, don't you dare tell anyone that I cry."
"Your secret's safe with me, my love."
Bessie never expected to find sleep that night, but she did. She found it in Zac's warm, strong arms, his even breathing, and his content sighs. She didn't dream. She supposed she didn't need to. Her dream lay sound asleep, in the flesh, right next to her.
******************
Morning came soon. Much too soon. Bessie's eyes fluttered open, finding herself on her side with Zac's arm wrapped securely around her shoulder and the dim light of day casting a blue glow on her white walls. Her heart sank and her stomach tied itself in knots and she swallowed hard as she continued to will reality away just a little while longer.
But she knew she couldn't. Not only did Zac have to get on the road, but he had to be gone before her parents woke up. If her mother knocked on her door for breakfast and found her door locked, that would be the end of everything and Zac's leaving would be the least of her troubles.
She slid gently out of bed and scooped her nightgown off the floor, draping it over her vanity chair and pulling a light blue, silk robe from her wardrobe. She wrapped it around her and she returned to the bed, gathering Zac's clothes and laying them neatly on the foot of the bed. As she straightened his trousers, a silver object fell from the pocket and onto the bed and she carefully picked it up, turning it over in her hand as she studied it with curiosity.
"That's for you," Zac whispered, startling her as she nearly dropped the hair pin. She didn't even know he was awake.
"What is it?" She asked. "I mean, I know what it is. I just--"
He sat up in the bed, wrapping the quilt around his waist. "It was supposed to be for your birthday. But since that worked out the way it did, I thought I'd give it to you early. So...happy birthday."
"It's beautiful," she marveled at the silver hair pin as she rubbed the silver with her thumb. "How did you--?"
"Burt gave it to me. It belonged to his wife. He said it was the first gift he ever gave to her. And now...it's the first gift I've ever given to you."
She smiled at him. "You know, it's not the first gift you've ever given me..."
"Wildflowers don't count. This...this is a real gift. One that lasts generations. One that...you know, maybe you'll give to our daughter someday. Maybe on her wedding day or something."
"Oh, Zac," she said, crawling into the bed and on her knees. She wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. "Thank you."
"I wish it could be more."
"It's perfect." She pulled her head away and she kissed him softly. "I'm going to miss you so much."
"I'll miss you, too. More than you could possibly imagine."
She pressed her forehead against his and took his face in her hands. "I think it's time for you to go."
"It is," he agreed.
"But I don't want to let you go."
"I know," he whispered.
With a sigh, she stepped out of the bed again and tightened her robe around her and smoothed her hair back out of her face. "Well, I straightened your clothes out for you."
"Thank you," he said as he followed her lead out of the bed.
She wanted to blush at the sight of his nakedness, but she couldn't do that anymore, either. Perhaps she was growing used to it. Perhaps she wasn't as shy as she used to be, she didn't know. But she would miss his naked body. She would miss everything about him, right down to his pinkie toes.
She helped him dress, though she knew she didn't have to. She just needed any excuse she could get to be close to him. To feel normal, to pretend like this wasn't as long a trip as it was. She handed him each article of clothing and she rolled up his sleeves, buttoned his shirt for him, and made sure that his suspenders were properly in place over his shoulders. She was grateful that he allowed her to perform this unnecessary act without a word about it. She was learning to appreciate every single precious moment she had with him.
As she adjusted his collar one last time, she looked up at him and pretended to smooth out his shirt against his chest. "You knock them dead up there," she smiled. "You'll be amazing, those northerners won't know what hit them."
"I will write you every single day," he said, his expression serious and determined. "I'm not sure how long it'll take the mail to get here from wherever I am, but I will write you. Every single day. I promise. I...I'm not sure that you can write me because I'll be moving around. But I'll send you a telegram of our schedule when we get it and maybe you can send me a telegram or two wherever I'm at."
"I would love that," she nodded, fighting her tears.
"Bessie, I love you. More than my own life, I love you. And...and I want you to see something before I go. Come here."
He took her by the hand and she allowed him to lead her to the full-length mirror that adorned the outside of her wardrobe. He stood behind her and he reached around and carefully untied her robe, opening it just enough to where it hung off of her shoulders and revealed her entire naked body. "You see that?" He whispered, his hands resting on her shoulders. "That is beautiful. That is you and it's the way God blessed you and to look at you almost brings a tear to my eye because I can't believe how I got so lucky. But what I think isn't important. You need to know that you're beautiful. You don't need any corsets or suntans or special diets--you don't need to change a thing because you're perfect just being you."
She stared at herself in the mirror and then she looked at Zac's reflection, his eyes full of admiration and awe. She realized that it was last night, when he'd removed her nightgown, that she'd finally accepted her body, when she didn't shy away from him. She realized it had finally happened. She was a woman now. She was no longer a child.
Closing her robe, she turned to look up at him, her eyes full of tears. "Zac. I'm beautiful because of you." This opened her floodgates as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, deathly terrified to let him go. "I love you so much," she murmured into his neck. "I love you. Promise me you'll come home."
"I'm never gonna let you go," he whispered back. "Never, my sweet girl. And if anything happens and we have to stay, I promise you I will come back for you. I will. Here." He pulled away and he shoved his hand into his pocket. "Keep this safe for me."
Her eyes widened and she shook her head at his extended arm. "Zac, no. I can't. That's your great-grandfather's pocket watch, it's your most prized possession!"
"Which is exactly why I need you to keep it. I can't risk going from city to city and possibly losing it."
"But you have before."
"Well, this way...if you ever have a doubt that I would come back for you, let that remind you that I will. Just know that as long as you have that, I'm coming for it. But, baby, the only way I'll ever forget to come back for you is if I get knocked in the head with amnesia. I can't live without you. Okay?"
Bessie nodded, sniffing back her tears and he lifted her chin and kissed her lips softly. "I promised you the flowers. Now I want you to promise me something," he continued. "I want you to promise that you'll do everything that makes you happy while I'm gone. I want you to spend time with family and friends, spoil Scout, go to the movies, eat your weight in popcorn...do it all. Do it for me. Be happy for me, okay?"
"I promise. It won't be easy."
"I know." And then he placed, yet, another gentle kiss on her lips.
After he broke the kiss, she hiccupped a gasp, unsure if she could stave off the tears any longer. "Hey," he said softly. "No crying here. Just smile for me. Just your smile, I want that to be the last thing I see before I go."
"Zac, I want to," she whispered breathlessly. "But right now, I can't even breathe."
Unexpectedly, he reached out and he tickled her side gently. She moved away as a reflex, unable to stop the smile that crept across her face. He smiled in return as he brushed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. "There it is. There's the smile that I love."
"Take care of yourself," she creaked out.
He headed for the window and stepped out of it, faking his own smile for her. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she replied, her smile so forced that it hurt.
With that, he let himself down the ladder and he looked around before he trotted across the side of the yard and toward the woods.
She watched him until he disappeared out of sight. At the edge of the woods, he turned around and threw up one last wave before he vanished into the trees. The moment he was out of sight, Bessie collapsed onto her knees and cried painful, gut-wrenching sobs into her arms that rested on the window sill.
After having washed her face and slipping a fresh nightgown over her head, Bessie knelt by her bed and attempted to say her prayers in the glow of the low lamp light that softly illuminated her bedroom. She had gotten as far as, "Dear God, I don't know what to do," before she broke down again and was unable to speak another word. Would she ever run out of tears? She wished she wouldn't find out, but she feared that she might.
After her failed attempt at pouring her heart out to the Holy Spirit, she now sat on the edge of her bed, fidgeting with her hands in her lap as her head hung to watch the commencing battle. She was ashamed of herself and so angry at Zac at the same time. How could he have kept something like this from her? What were his intentions? To listlessly wave "Bye" to her and expect it to be enough? No goodbye would ever be enough. She remembered the two days she spent without him before the social and those days had been absolute torture--and at that point, they hadn't even kissed yet. Since then, their relationship had progressed in such a way that she couldn't even believe that he was entertaining the thought of doing anything without her. What did that say about him? What did that say about how he felt about their relationship? Had she misread him? Was she in this relationship more than he was?
What would she do without him?
Before the tears could take her over again, a sound startled her and she jerked her head up, her eyes widening at her window. Her heart leapt and she blinked in wonder as Zac stood on the ladder and raised her window higher, helping himself inside her bedroom. He sat on the inside of her sill and he looked at her for a moment. Finally, in a whisper, he asked, "Are your parents asleep?"
Bessie nodded at him as her fingers battled more severely with each other.
Wordlessly, he slipped off his shoes and quietly laid them down by the window. He stood up in her bedroom and shoved his hands in his pockets as he looked around. "I've never been in here before," he remarked, keeping his whisper. "It's nice."
She shrugged a meek shoulder at him and turned her hand over in her lap so far that her elbow extended beside her. She felt horrible, as if she were two feet tall. Having no more to say to him, she looked up at him, her eyes pleading, and whispered, "I love you."
Crossing the room, he knelt down onto the floor in front of her and took both of her hands in his. "Baby," he whispered. "I am so sorry you had to find out like this. We only just found out this afternoon, but I made a bad judgment call--"
"I understand if you want to break up with me...you know, for good." Her eyes fell in shame. "I acted like a spoiled brat. Nobody wants to come home to a spoiled brat who screams at them all the time."
"Sweetheart," he replied, squeezing her hands gently. "I understand that you're upset. Something like this, it's--it's a lot to take in all of a sudden like this. I've never...I've never been in this situation before, I've never..."
"Had to say goodbye," she finished.
"This is not goodbye," he replied through clenched teeth. "I will never say goodbye to you."
"But you will," she said, her voice cracking. "You will. When you get up there to the big city and they see how brilliant you guys are, you'll never come back. This could--this could be the last time we ever see each other."
"That's not true," Zac whispered, his voice strangled. "Bess, you're not understanding. The likelihood of us not coming home is...at least one in a--"
"But there's still a chance."
"It's not going to happen. It's a small tour. A very small tour. But IF something crazy were to actually happen, I would come back for you. Okay? I would take you to live in New York with me and you would go to the best school and we'd get married and have babies and we would live our lives together. I will come back for you."
"I'm so afraid," she whispered. "I'm so scared that you'll get there and get caught up in all the glamorous city life and forget all about me. I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait and you won't even remember my name--"
"Never," he said firmly. "Bessie, when I first laid eyes on you, that was it for me. My life has absolutely no meaning without you in it. None. Without you, I'm nothing. You have to believe me. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or anything in my entire life. Please. I'm begging you not to give up on me."
She looked into his eyes, his beautiful brown eyes with the long lashes that she'd so easily fallen for. "The reality is you've only known me for a month. I just don't want to fall through the cracks."
"And this has been the best month of my existence. You've changed my life, Bessie Harlow. For the better." He reached up and tucked her hair behind her ear, the chills running down her spine from his simple touch. "You've taken a man--a hardheaded, stubborn...cynic...and turned him into a believer. Into someone who knows where his heart is now and what it's capable of. And I don't ever want to look back. Look, it doesn't matter where I am on this earth, whether I'm at the very top of Mount Everest or--or down in a hole, digging to China or wherever I am, you will always be the center of my universe. Always. Please believe that."
Bessie sniffed and took her hand from Zac's just long enough to wipe a tear from her eye. "I lied when I said I never wanted to see your face again." She reached out and pressed her palm gently against his cheek. "You have the most beautiful face I've ever seen. And I don't want to lose you, I didn't mean the things I said to you. I want you to come home to me. Straight home to me, right into my arms--"
"Absolutely," he smiled weakly. "I've already started counting down the days."
"I'm sorry I wasn't more supportive. The truth is, I'm proud of you, Zac. I'm so proud, my heart could burst. I want you to do well on your tour. I know this is what makes you happy." Then, for the first time that night, she managed to crack a smile. "I wish I could see you on that grand stage. I bet all the ladies would faint in their seats over how handsome you'll be under those bright lights."
Zac blushed and he smiled and he lifted her hand to his lips.
Then she furrowed her brow sternly. "But no flower tricks."
At this, he looked up and he blinked at her. "What?"
"That's my only stipulation. No trick flowers. You did your last flower trick for me and that's where it'll end. I don't want some other woman falling for you over the same trick I fell for you over. It's not right. It's mine now. It's special. Promise me."
He looked up at her and he searched her eyes for a moment before he repeatedly left gentle kisses on her hand. "No more trick flowers," he agreed. "You have my word."
"Just your word?"
"You have my everything."
Looking down into his eyes a moment longer, she gently stood up, Zac standing along with her to get out of her way. Carefully, she walked to her bedroom door and turned the lock as slowly and silently as she possibly could.
As she made her way back to him, he shook his head in objection. "Bessie," he whispered.
But she ignored him. She stood in front of him, looking him over as his suspenders hung along either side of his brown trousers and his white button-down was open nearly to his chest. A brief flash of a smirk crossed her lips as she looked him over. The less Zac had to wear, the better he felt. In some ways he reminded her of Tom Sawyer in the old Mark Twain book. It was charming the way Zac could be so elegant and so mature, but so playful and boyish at the same time. Sometimes he could be frustrating and hard to reason with. He could be hotheaded and stubborn. But he was still absolutely perfect in Bessie's eyes.
Slowly, silently, one-by-one, she unbuttoned each button on his shirt and gently untucked it from his trousers, carefully peeling it back off of each shoulder. He took his arms out of it and allowed it to fall to the floor around his feet. He was every bit as breathtaking as he had ever been, his skin color deepened with the time they'd spent in the sun together. His chest was broader and more defined and his biceps were bigger and harder from the work he had put in at the feed store. She gazed at his torso, drinking his physique in with her eyes as she slid her hands slowly and deliberately over his warm skin. Stepping close to him, she curled her arms around his shoulders and pressed her lips into him just underneath his collar bone. Her kiss lingered for a moment before she brushed her nose over the area and pressed her forehead into his shoulder. She needed to feel him. She needed to taste him and take in his scent and remember everything there was to remember about his skin and his warmth.
He had just lifted his arms to slide them around her waist when she pulled away and stepped around him to run her hands along his strong back. Rubbing his shoulders, she explored his perfect muscles and let her nails graze gently downward. She felt him tremble beneath her touch and, with that, she curled her arms back underneath his and let her hands explore his chest once more as she peppered his back with gentle kisses. She heard him sigh softly and he lifted his hands to cover hers.
"Zac," she breathed into his skin as she let her hands shamelessly fall to his waist. "I need you, too."
His head dropped as her hands found the button on his trousers and she nimbly unfastened them, loosening them from his waist. She shoved them down his thighs and let them drop into a heap around his ankles. It dizzied her for a second to think about the idea of having a naked man in her bedroom. That had never happened before and she never imagined it ever would. But if there had to be one, she was glad it was Zac and that it would never be another.
As she made her way back around to the front of his body, his entire body now completely at attention, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into him eagerly, pressing his forehead into hers as she snaked an arm around his neck and caressed his face with her other hand. "You are the most incredible thing I have ever seen," she whispered. "What am I going to do for an entire month without you? What will I do without your body? Without your touch, without your lips...?"
"Remember tonight," he replied as he bent down and shoved her nightgown up her thighs and lifted her up off the ground. She wrapped her legs around his waist, feeling the way he brushed against her intimately, sending waves of anticipation throughout her body. "Remember the way it feels to make love with me. Nobody could ever make you feel the way I do. That's a promise."
Without another word, she tangled her hands into his hair and crashed her lips into his, lifting her body upward and pulling his head back by the hair she grasped in her fists. His fingertips scraped firmly up her thighs as he pushed her nightgown the rest of the way up and then he pulled it up over her head. Running his hands over his back, he glanced down at the space between them and he looked into her face and shook his head. "God, you're so beautiful."
Normally she would feel self-conscious about her complete nudity, but there was just no time for that tonight. The minutes seemed to tick by as fast as seconds and she wanted Zac--needed him--just this one last time before he left. Tonight there was no time for shyness or modesty. Tonight there was only him and her and the love they shared with each other.
With her ankles locked around his waist, Zac carefully crawled onto her bed with her, her heart pounding at the notion that she was about to make love in her bed for the first time. The most action her large, wooden, four-poster bed had seen were the sleepovers she'd had with Judith and Millie. Now she wasn't so sure she could allow Judith and Millie to sleep in this bed anymore. It would never be the same, not after tonight.
He lay her down gently and she unlocked herself from around him as he lay on his side next to her, propped up with an elbow. She stared up at him, running her hands through his soft, brown hair, allowing him to explore her body with his free hand however he saw fit. He didn't get far before she pulled his head down and kissed him, unable to stay away from his mouth for very long. She craved his tongue, how perfect and soft it was, and the way it moved so erotically in her mouth. His kiss, alone, sent enough shivers down her spine to last a lifetime.
Surrendering to her, he positioned himself on top of her as she opened her legs to accommodate him. The anticipation nearly killed her. "Zac," she gasped up at him, combing his hair away from his face with her fingers. "Zac, I need you. I do. You can take your time if you want, but I really need you."
He wasted no time on her request and she bit her lip at the pain for the first minute. Soon enough, though, she began to relax and allowed herself to be carried away into erotic oblivion. He felt unbelievable. He always did. She had to be quiet, however, and he was careful, too, as his deep sighs only turned her on more and more. "Yes," she hissed into his ear. "Yes, baby, yes. God, I love you so much."
This seemed to excite him more and he began to work harder, the knock of the bed against the wall suddenly startling them both. She stared up at him, wide-eyed, as he deliberately reached up and gripped the top of the headboard to let his fingers act as a silent barrier between the wood and the wall. This also allowed her to watch his bicep flex deliciously as he pulled himself eagerly into her and she licked her lips and tilted her head back on her pillow as she arched her back underneath him.
She looked up at him, barely able to see his eyes through the hair that hung in his face as they stared back at her with desire and intensity. She was barely able to reach up and shove his hair out of his face before she reached her end, throwing her head back on the pillow and biting her lip to keep herself from crying out. It was the quietest, most intense thing she had felt to date and she didn't have time to come down from it before he collapsed himself on her, pressing her thigh to his body with his arm, as he shoved himself forcefully into her, one, two, three times, the third time being the last. His body shuddered and his hot breath filled her neck and she took a moment before she turned her head and kissed his temple, the closest part of his face she could reach.
He didn't move, though. In fact, his body continued to tremble, though differently this time. He had removed himself from her, but now he took short, staggered breaths and his shoulders heaved in rhythm with his breathing. It took her a moment longer of listening to realize he was crying and instantly, she wrapped his arms comfortingly around him and held him tightly, trying to ignore the way his body weight was starting to become uncomfortable on her.
She reached up and she ran her fingers through his hair and he finally found it in him to rest himself on his arms, relieving some of the pressure. Underneath him, she turned over on her side and he followed her lead, resting himself on his side beside her as she reached down and pulled the covers up over them. "Bessie, I can't do this," he whispered, his tears glistening in the low lamp light. "I can't leave. I can't be without you."
"You can," she said softly, surprising herself as she lifted her hand and wiped his tears with her thumb. "I'll be right here when you come home, I'm not going anywhere."
"I'm sorry. I tried to be strong. I did. I just...I have all these scenarios running around in my head. What if they do keep us? What if it's longer than a month? What if we get stranded and we can't come home? What if something happens to the car or the trailer? What if I don't make it in time before you have to leave for school? I'm scared to death, Bessie. I'm so scared to leave you. I've never been through this before and I just don't...know what to do."
"Well, I've never been through this before, either, if that makes you feel any better," she whispered. "And that's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right? Learn together? Experience things together? Grow together? Through the good and the bad? Sure, the leaving isn't fun, but once you get where you're going, you'll have an amazing time. And I'll be right here, cheering you on every step of the way."
"I want to come home," he said through his tears. "I haven't even left yet and I already want to come home."
She leaned over and she kissed his cheek and she smiled at him. "Look at us. Look how the roles have reversed so quickly. I guess we know what it feels like to be each other, don't we?"
"Tell me what to do," he said, nearly inaudibly. "Tell me what decision to make."
"I didn't realize there was a decision. I thought it was already a done deal? But if I must make one for you, I'm going to tell you to go. As much as it hurts, I'm more proud of you than I am selfish. I want you to go and do what makes you happy. I know how much this act means to you. If you didn't go, and you threw it all away, you would be miserable. You and I both know that."
"It hurts. It already hurts so much."
"Miss me tomorrow. Don't miss me right now. Spend tonight in my arms--"
"Your father will kill me--"
"I don't care about them. And they won't find out. Spend the night with me. Remember tonight, isn't that what you said just awhile ago?"
"I did," he said, cracking a smile and wiping his tears away with his wrist. "God, I feel like such a fucking sap. You're the only one I ever let see me cry, don't you dare tell anyone that I cry."
"Your secret's safe with me, my love."
Bessie never expected to find sleep that night, but she did. She found it in Zac's warm, strong arms, his even breathing, and his content sighs. She didn't dream. She supposed she didn't need to. Her dream lay sound asleep, in the flesh, right next to her.
******************
Morning came soon. Much too soon. Bessie's eyes fluttered open, finding herself on her side with Zac's arm wrapped securely around her shoulder and the dim light of day casting a blue glow on her white walls. Her heart sank and her stomach tied itself in knots and she swallowed hard as she continued to will reality away just a little while longer.
But she knew she couldn't. Not only did Zac have to get on the road, but he had to be gone before her parents woke up. If her mother knocked on her door for breakfast and found her door locked, that would be the end of everything and Zac's leaving would be the least of her troubles.
She slid gently out of bed and scooped her nightgown off the floor, draping it over her vanity chair and pulling a light blue, silk robe from her wardrobe. She wrapped it around her and she returned to the bed, gathering Zac's clothes and laying them neatly on the foot of the bed. As she straightened his trousers, a silver object fell from the pocket and onto the bed and she carefully picked it up, turning it over in her hand as she studied it with curiosity.
"That's for you," Zac whispered, startling her as she nearly dropped the hair pin. She didn't even know he was awake.
"What is it?" She asked. "I mean, I know what it is. I just--"
He sat up in the bed, wrapping the quilt around his waist. "It was supposed to be for your birthday. But since that worked out the way it did, I thought I'd give it to you early. So...happy birthday."
"It's beautiful," she marveled at the silver hair pin as she rubbed the silver with her thumb. "How did you--?"
"Burt gave it to me. It belonged to his wife. He said it was the first gift he ever gave to her. And now...it's the first gift I've ever given to you."
She smiled at him. "You know, it's not the first gift you've ever given me..."
"Wildflowers don't count. This...this is a real gift. One that lasts generations. One that...you know, maybe you'll give to our daughter someday. Maybe on her wedding day or something."
"Oh, Zac," she said, crawling into the bed and on her knees. She wrapped her arms around his neck tightly. "Thank you."
"I wish it could be more."
"It's perfect." She pulled her head away and she kissed him softly. "I'm going to miss you so much."
"I'll miss you, too. More than you could possibly imagine."
She pressed her forehead against his and took his face in her hands. "I think it's time for you to go."
"It is," he agreed.
"But I don't want to let you go."
"I know," he whispered.
With a sigh, she stepped out of the bed again and tightened her robe around her and smoothed her hair back out of her face. "Well, I straightened your clothes out for you."
"Thank you," he said as he followed her lead out of the bed.
She wanted to blush at the sight of his nakedness, but she couldn't do that anymore, either. Perhaps she was growing used to it. Perhaps she wasn't as shy as she used to be, she didn't know. But she would miss his naked body. She would miss everything about him, right down to his pinkie toes.
She helped him dress, though she knew she didn't have to. She just needed any excuse she could get to be close to him. To feel normal, to pretend like this wasn't as long a trip as it was. She handed him each article of clothing and she rolled up his sleeves, buttoned his shirt for him, and made sure that his suspenders were properly in place over his shoulders. She was grateful that he allowed her to perform this unnecessary act without a word about it. She was learning to appreciate every single precious moment she had with him.
As she adjusted his collar one last time, she looked up at him and pretended to smooth out his shirt against his chest. "You knock them dead up there," she smiled. "You'll be amazing, those northerners won't know what hit them."
"I will write you every single day," he said, his expression serious and determined. "I'm not sure how long it'll take the mail to get here from wherever I am, but I will write you. Every single day. I promise. I...I'm not sure that you can write me because I'll be moving around. But I'll send you a telegram of our schedule when we get it and maybe you can send me a telegram or two wherever I'm at."
"I would love that," she nodded, fighting her tears.
"Bessie, I love you. More than my own life, I love you. And...and I want you to see something before I go. Come here."
He took her by the hand and she allowed him to lead her to the full-length mirror that adorned the outside of her wardrobe. He stood behind her and he reached around and carefully untied her robe, opening it just enough to where it hung off of her shoulders and revealed her entire naked body. "You see that?" He whispered, his hands resting on her shoulders. "That is beautiful. That is you and it's the way God blessed you and to look at you almost brings a tear to my eye because I can't believe how I got so lucky. But what I think isn't important. You need to know that you're beautiful. You don't need any corsets or suntans or special diets--you don't need to change a thing because you're perfect just being you."
She stared at herself in the mirror and then she looked at Zac's reflection, his eyes full of admiration and awe. She realized that it was last night, when he'd removed her nightgown, that she'd finally accepted her body, when she didn't shy away from him. She realized it had finally happened. She was a woman now. She was no longer a child.
Closing her robe, she turned to look up at him, her eyes full of tears. "Zac. I'm beautiful because of you." This opened her floodgates as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, deathly terrified to let him go. "I love you so much," she murmured into his neck. "I love you. Promise me you'll come home."
"I'm never gonna let you go," he whispered back. "Never, my sweet girl. And if anything happens and we have to stay, I promise you I will come back for you. I will. Here." He pulled away and he shoved his hand into his pocket. "Keep this safe for me."
Her eyes widened and she shook her head at his extended arm. "Zac, no. I can't. That's your great-grandfather's pocket watch, it's your most prized possession!"
"Which is exactly why I need you to keep it. I can't risk going from city to city and possibly losing it."
"But you have before."
"Well, this way...if you ever have a doubt that I would come back for you, let that remind you that I will. Just know that as long as you have that, I'm coming for it. But, baby, the only way I'll ever forget to come back for you is if I get knocked in the head with amnesia. I can't live without you. Okay?"
Bessie nodded, sniffing back her tears and he lifted her chin and kissed her lips softly. "I promised you the flowers. Now I want you to promise me something," he continued. "I want you to promise that you'll do everything that makes you happy while I'm gone. I want you to spend time with family and friends, spoil Scout, go to the movies, eat your weight in popcorn...do it all. Do it for me. Be happy for me, okay?"
"I promise. It won't be easy."
"I know." And then he placed, yet, another gentle kiss on her lips.
After he broke the kiss, she hiccupped a gasp, unsure if she could stave off the tears any longer. "Hey," he said softly. "No crying here. Just smile for me. Just your smile, I want that to be the last thing I see before I go."
"Zac, I want to," she whispered breathlessly. "But right now, I can't even breathe."
Unexpectedly, he reached out and he tickled her side gently. She moved away as a reflex, unable to stop the smile that crept across her face. He smiled in return as he brushed the backs of his fingers across her cheek. "There it is. There's the smile that I love."
"Take care of yourself," she creaked out.
He headed for the window and stepped out of it, faking his own smile for her. "I love you."
"I love you, too," she replied, her smile so forced that it hurt.
With that, he let himself down the ladder and he looked around before he trotted across the side of the yard and toward the woods.
She watched him until he disappeared out of sight. At the edge of the woods, he turned around and threw up one last wave before he vanished into the trees. The moment he was out of sight, Bessie collapsed onto her knees and cried painful, gut-wrenching sobs into her arms that rested on the window sill.